Hello everyone! I have another Reader Question to share. I know I just did one last week, but this reader needs help now and I knew it couldn't wait until I do another Reader Question post. I'll let her take it away now…
Please Help Me,
My boyfriend lives with me, I pay all rent and utilities. He thinks I am crazy to want him to pay half rent & utilities.
How do I tell him couples splitting these expenses are normal?
I am tired of having a zero or negative balance in my bank accounts while he has money?! I am thinking about ending our relationship if he refuses again. We can’t buy furniture, or needed clothes, food or move forward in this relationship if he won’t help or meet me half way. He makes more than me, and there is no reason he should live with me when I can get a roommate that will pay half those expenses with me. I love him but, I can’t keep living this way.
HE said that it’s unheard of [couples splitting bills] and that I need to stop listening to my friends and family’s advice. I told him that my last boyfriend and I for 5 years split rent and utilities. I know that he told me that everything is balanced in this relationship, but I know this is not right. He has addictions that he wants to spend his money on, maybe he’s afraid he won’t be able to afford his addictions.
He and I can’t move his young son into our home at all and can’t move forward healthily if he can’t help me. I have told him that we would each have a savings account seperately building up money. Only if he helps me can we be successful together. I am older than he is and he’s learning, but his inexperience is wearing on my patience. I have a counselor lined up, and books and we can talk to rental agencies if he still doesn’t believe me.
This is my last attempt to save our relationship. He gets angry when I bring this up.
I had resigned from a great job, saved $10,000 on my own from that job and moved to another state to begin a new life with him. We have been in a relationship together for 3 years. I have discovered that he is immature. I have sold my personal belongings when he wanted money and, I have depleted all my saved money due to his influence. He says that I am all about money but I feel like a nun, I have given away all my money to him and I don’t have much in material possessions. I just was hoping he’d see reason… But, I keep waiting that he’ll understand. How can I make one last effort to talk to him, explain things in a non-threatening way?
I find it strange that he refuses to help out at all. He said that that’s not the way reality works. I am in disbelief. I have a possible job being offered soon. I have to move forward with this opportunity it will change things for the better financially. I want to progress with him.
What would you do if you were this person?
Let us know in the comments below. All help is appreciated! Also, please be kind. Keep in mind that this is a person who is seeking help.
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This is challenging as it sounds like you have a strong attachment not only to this man, but possibly to his son who you’d perhaps like to have move in with you and create a family environment? Each couple divides shared expenses differently, but it sounds like he is taking advantage of your kindness and knows it. Every unmarried couple I know that lives together manages their finances like roommates and finds a way to divide the bills. I make double what my husband makes, and so when we were engaged, we divided our rent by %income so that he would have at least some spending money each month.
If he won’t meet you halfway on expenses, you should wonder what else he won’t meet you halfway on. You’ve already left your job, given him your money, and pay his bills… don’t let him take your retirement savings away from you, too. Cut him loose and find someone who knows how “reality works”. Lots of love to you during this difficult time.
I’m in the same situation. I’ve been with this man whom I’ve loved for two years now and he does not pay half of the bills. He does however pay when we go out. He makes a lot more than me so when I get my check, pay the bills, I’m broke so he buys me cigarette and had till I get paid again. But he still always has money. Then he throws it in my face. Ugh! Not to mention after 2 years as boyfriend and girlfriend we don’t even have sex
We never split things down the middle, but we definitely alternated paying so neither person felt like they were mooching off the other. What shared expenses does your partner pay for if you’re paying all the utilities?
He has used you – walk away now. I can see how initially he may not have known how to split expenses but that time passed. I don’t see any reason you’d want to salvage a relationship with someone like this?
I want you to take a moment and think how you would react if someone told you that their friend had moved in with them and told the writer that they felt it was crazy that a roommate pay for anything.
You already know all the answers to your question – you just don’t want them to be true. I’m not being callous – I know how hard this is.
That doesn’t change the truth.
He is controlling you in a dangerous way already – it alarms me that he tells you ‘don’t listen to your family and friends’ – and he gets angry when you bring this up – a very bad combination if you ask me.
There is no earthly way that this person cares for you as anything other than free room and board. If he cared he would listen to you. If he cared he would respect you enough to be, at the very least, fair about money. If he cared he would not take advantage of you. If he cared he would respect the value of your family and friends to you.
And separately from all that – had you just started dating this man and he told you that he felt it was only right that you pay for everything, because he was willing to spend time with you and that was all he was willing to do – would you have continued to date him?
My advice is to end this relationship immediately – there is a lot more going on here than money – he is depleting your self esteem while he’s depleting your bank account – and I have a terrible feeling that things will only go from bad to worse – end it NOW. I might even go so far as to have his things packed and have friends waiting in another room while you have this conversation.
Good luck
Does your boyfriend have a job? It’s definitely not fair that he is relying on you to pay for everything. If you can’t get him to contribute his fair share and if he just can’t understand why, you need to protect yourself and do what is best for you. You deserve a significant other that is going to help out and put in their fair share.
I have been in your shoes before and believe me they are not fun ones to be wearing.
I currently own my home, and a few years ago the guy I was dating moved in with me. He was unable to pay rent, so we bartered, he did all of the yard work, housekeeping, meal cooking, laundry, etc. It was great for me, and I felt that he really earned his keep. However, he hated it, as all of his time was used keeping house. We broke up, he moved out and I ended up getting a housemate. My housemate then rented a room from me for 1/4 of my bills (mortgage, gas, electric, etc). We determined this number by me adding up all of my bills and determining the amount of space he was using and taking that ratio. This worked well for a very long time, until my new boyfriend wanted to move in with me. This is where it got really tricky. I had two very good rent situations in the past, but this was serious. I didn’t want him to share in the mortgage, but I felt that the space he was using was the whole has as compared to one room. So, I made him pay all the utilites, so in the winter it was slightly more and in the summer slightly less. We continued this arrangment for two years until we got married. Now, because everything is in my name we each contribute an equal amount to the joint account and I pay all of the bills from there. Out of all the methods we have used, I have liked this one the best, as it allows me to save a little, pay off my debts and still be able to pay all the bills.
Good luck, I would really try pushing towards him having to pay something, I understand you love him and you have made tons of sacrifices, but it seems like you are being used and it will just keeping continuing.
The fact that he gets angry when you bring up the topic is a HUGE red flag. I would recommend you end this relationship. The sooner you do it the easier it will be.
Pack his stuff and put it outside at least you didn’t do the old timey outdated marriage mistake
Yeah, I know this is easier for me, a random Internet stranger to say, but I definitely think it’s time to move on. And it’s not just about money. The fact that he doesn’t want to carry his weight in the relationship is a bad sign for the future of the relationship. What other practical and emotional duties will he end of shirking as time goes on?
Kick his ass out!!!!
Award for the simplest advice! 🙂
End the relationship as soon as you can. Don’t walk, run! It doesn’t sound healthy at all. You’ll find someone better and wonder why you didn’t get out sooner.
If he won’t listen and gets mad about it rather than conducting a productive discussion or debate, it just sounds like trouble. It sounds like he doesn’t even try to bring up a valid argument or reasoning that his opinion is right. I think you should tell him that he needs to contribute to your life together financially or it’s time to go your separate ways. Even if he finally does agree, it just seems like you have had an inordinate amount of stress over this. It shouldn’t be this difficult if he loves you and wants to build a future with you.
A relationship is give and take. It’s sharing and working towards the same goals. If one is not on board with that, then the other is bound to get bitter and frustrated. Been there done that. I agree with DC, The sooner you move past this, the easier and better your life will be.
I have to agree with what everyone is saying. The fact that he is getting angry is a red flag because you are calling him out on something and you, my friend, are right. Not that everything has to be 50/50, but he does have to contribute in his own way. Since this has happened to you before, I would suggest just you get counseling or seek help to find why you are repeating this behavior. What do you get out of it? Companionship? The need to take care of someone? You deserve someone who will treat you with respect. But please understand I know this is not an easy thing…but it sounds like this relationship needs to end.
Hi, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but now you need to get yourself out of it as quickly and safely as possible. You need to tell BF that you simply can’t afford this anymore. That you are moving so he needs to find somewhere else to live. It doesn’t matter whether you’re moving or not but I recommend that you do. And don’t give him your new address. As others have noted, there are a few red flags here. I’m concerned for your safety. It might be a good idea to call a hotline for domestic abuse to find out the best way to do this. He has a lot at stake here, free room and board so you can spend money on addictions is not easy to come by.
Run away from that relationship. The fact that you have to come online and ask for advice is bad enough; the best relationships (and I know because my parents have been together have been together for 46 years now, and I’ve been together with my b/f for 12) are like really good friendships where there is TRUST and RESPECT. He doesn’t respect you and (it doesn’t sound like) your opinion either. Money is a HUGE deal breaker for many relationships, also. He sounds very immature, also. A person that is meant for you has LIFE GOALS in common with you. He would want to help you because he would see how it would affect BOTH of you in the LONG term. That’s my opinion based on my experience. Also, if it sounds like he looks down on you. If you’ve ever read Malcolm Gladwell’s books, there is one in which he talks about disdain, and how it is typically unheard of for a relationship (friendship/love) to be recovered once one party has disdain or scorn for the other. It’s true, because the respect is lost. Have strength, courage and may you find the right person for you (we know we are not perfect). Good luck!
Throw his ass out.
There are countless red flags in your question that indicate he is being controlling and manipulative. I’ve lived with two boyfriends in the past. One, we made the exact same amount of money and split everything 50/50. The other, I took a substantial paycut to move to his town so he made about 35,000 more than me a year and we lived in the home he already “owned” (was making mortgage payments). There, we split things 2/3 – 1/3. I paid rent in the same proportion as a roommate, Internet and bought all the groceries for him and his daughter that he had every other weekend. It worked out really fair for us.
But not paying a dime when he makes more than you, and telling you not to listen to your family and friends? That is incredibly unhealthy and concerning. If you don’t feel strong enough to end the relationship on your own I would suggest seeing a counselor to help you break away. I’m not sure what his addictions are, but I am very sorry to say it sounds like he has been using you for a long time.
Take the new job opportunity and break free from this. You sound very smart and successful. You will be ok!!
Oh my… I think the best advice is that you don’t want to hear; stop helping him. I don’t want to say it is “enabling” by just continued to pay in full where he doesn’t, but it sounds an awful lot like it. I had that kind of relationship with my parents, and it just kept getting worse and worse until I stopped giving anything at all. Without all the background story I know exists, it just sounds like he’s in for a free ride… nobody should put the burden of paying in full for things that are obviously shared, unless the balance is balanced somewhere else (like paying for other non shared things of the paying partner). You sound like you know what you’re doing, but please do not be thrown in guilt just because you want to help him. It may end up hurting you a lot. Best of luck!
I am going to keep my response easy. This is an easy answer. End it! That is enough. He is using the crap out of you and you are letting him do it. You are only hurting yourself in this relationship. He knows that he has you and you will allow him to dictate what you do. Just end it now!
RUN FAR FAR AWAY!! That is ridiculous. He is selfish and wants to freeload off of you. If he can’t see how that is wrong and unfair he is not the man for you. Let him find someone else to pay his way through life.
His attitude is a huge red flag. Please find strength within your self to leave this abusive relationship and heal. He may not be hitting you, but abuse comes in many forms and this sounds like one of them.
As Dan Savage would say, “DMTFA” (or Dump The Mother F*cker Already). I don’t know what “reality” he’s talking about when he says that couples don’t split costs–what could possibly entitle him to a free ride when he has a job (that you say pays more than yours, not incidentally) and is perfectly capable of covering AT LEAST half the expenses. You’ve invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship, but it sounds like he doesn’t think he has a responsibility to you or to the relationship (not just financially, but getting mad and shutting you down when you try to confront him about it). Whatever positive qualities he may have can’t outweigh devaluing you as less than his equal. DTMFA.
I personally think he’s bullshitting you with his logic because it’s getting him what he wants and you’re willing to put up with it (for now). I’m sorry to hear you’re relationship is in the situation it is now. 3 years is a really long time to be in a relationship and realize that you may have to throw it away. Several years ago, I was almost in the same situation except he left me for someone else before I moved to a different state to be with him. That was probably the best thing that happened in our relationship.
Leaving a relationship is never easy, especially after 3 years and when you’ve sacrificed so much but my advice to you is to end the relationship now. Starting over is better than digging yourself deeper and deeper into the whole. Much like I said, i think he’s bullshitting you. I don’t know what type of upbringing he has had to where he would think two people living together would not share finances. Does his mom support his dad? Even in marriage, it’s common for people to share bank accounts and split the bills. Some families are still a bit more traditional in that men take care of the family financially and women take care of everything else…but even if that’s the case and roles are reversed, is he doing everything else while you provide for the two of you financially? It doesn’t sound like.
Marriage and relationships require both parties to put effort in equally for them to work out. If one person gives more than the other, eventually those feelings of unfairness catch up to you. If you’re at the point where bringing it up angers him, he’s not going to change even if you talk to him about. You need to take action, whether it’s by stop paying for his things or leave him completely. Otherwise, he’s going to continue what he’s doing because he knows he can get away with it as he has been doing.
There’s better people out there, there’s no need to put up with someone like that. Sometimes you have to think about whether you’re really in love or you’re in love with love itself. Does he genuinely make you happy? Or do you think you’ll be unhappier without him? If the latter, then what youre going through the price you pay.
I wholeheartedly agree with Susan C. Though you may not be able to see it right now, this is not a safe situation. As a long-time volunteer with a domestic violence program, I can see many red flags. He isolated you when you quit a good job and moved states to be with him. He is dismissive of your thoughts and feelings and reacts in anger or calls you crazy when you question him about making changes to the situation. He tells you to not listen to your friends and family when they have concerns. He makes you pay for everything and even sell your own possessions when he needed the money. At the very least he is being controlling, emotionally abusive, and financially abusive. I second the recommendation that you call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They can give you more personalized information about safety planning for if/when you decide to leave the situation, as well as listen to your concerns about his behavior. It is completely anonymous and they can’t trace you, so you can speak freely even if you just have some initial questions and are unsure of what you want to do.
Please be safe and know that you deserve much better than this.
Does he pay for anything? I agree with some of the responses that him being angry is a huge red flag.
It sounds like he wants a mommy to pay all his bills, take care of him and take care of his son. If you want a partner then this person is not for you. Even if you love him, this situation isn’t right and for your mental and emotional sanity you need to ask him to leave because it isn’t healthy
Almost all, if not everything, in the above posts is spot on.
From your position it is hard to see and feel clearly. I have counseled many folks over the years as part of my work and I can tell you that those folks suggesting a possibly dangerous situation are not out of line. You may not want to believe it, but there are many signs there to suggest potential dangerous responses to any assertiveness on your part.
Whether you can accept it or not, this man does not love or care for you. He is using you. His true inner feelings are: “I love me and I want you.” He may even show tears after anger, but he will try to manipulate you for his own benefit. I will not say it is impossible for him to change but very unlikely, especially as long as there is anything like substance abuse.
Another factor that is hard for most folks to accept and even harder to act on is that you are enabling him to carry on in this way. You know that what he is saying about sharing expenses is absurd. You should not argue the point. He knows what he is saying is laughable but he argues it because you accept it as much as you do. He is able to do this only because you accept it. Do not continue to teach him that this is acceptable.
If he earns more than you do then he should be contributing more than you do to the household expenses, but half is a minimum. The advice of others to get out as quickly as you can is probably well taken. But at least you should let him know that if he cares anything at all about you, even has the normal respect due to friends, he will accept his responsibility to pay half of the household living expenses and that if he will not he should move out.
My response is going to sound extreme, but your relationship is an extreme state.
You need to kick him to the curb. NOW. You are being used 100%. He is a little boy, not an adult in any way shape or form. I get that you invested a lot of time into this relationship, but you are the only one. There is zero chance that he is going to change. Please put yourself first.
I hope everything works out for you.
Sorry to be so blunt, I know that I don’t know you or your partner, but my advice is ‘run!’.
HUGE red flag here, my friend. Sounds like there is A LOT of self-focus/selfishness going on with him, and that will not make for a happy relationship long-term. Obviously the decision has to be yours, but you don’t want to waste your life having some guy mooch off you. Relationships need to be 100/100, not 100/0. Best of luck to you.
Time to call it quits asap!
I would run, not walk, away from this guy who is clearly using you. You deserve to be happy. You will never be in this situation.
I think it’s time to let go. My boyfriend paid for everything when we moved in together, but I helped where I could. He’s taking advantage of you and you obviously know it, you just need the extra kick in the butt to take action. This is me kicking you in the butt!
While I agree with what everyone is saying the real problem is not that the guy is not paying for anything, but that the guy is an addict. His behavior (selfishness, manipulation) is not going to change unless he decides to get help for his addiction (and there is nothing in your question that indicates he wants to). This is tough advice to swallow but please leave while you can. See the counselor you have lined up, but alone, so that you can work through your own issues (afterall you choose him and put up with him). Going to al anon or another addiction support group for families of addicts would also be helpful. It does hurt to end a long relationship, and it may feel selfish to focus on yourself, but please take care of you and your needs. You deserve better.
You deserve better than this. Life is short. This is hard to write but he has a complete lack of respect for you and from his perspective you are his Sugar Momma. Basically, you aren’t in a relationship because if you were there would be mutual love and respect and he would be happy to help you financially and emotionally. Don’t compromise your self-respect and dignity. There are 7 Billion humans on this earth which means there are a number of different men out there who will love and cherish you. You just have to move on and create the literal and mental space to allow them to meet you. Wishing you only good things.
Wow that is tough. Financial accountability seems to be missing at an early stage in this relationship so it is hard to see that getting better on its own. If the guy is already dismissive of friends and family and getting angry, that seems to be another red flag. I am sure there is a great guy buried under that selfishness, but at some point it needs to be equitable or the woman needs to leave that terrible situation.
Ask yourself: what would you say if you were to read this letter and imagine it was by someone else. What would you tell them?
I honestly don’t understand how you got into this situation with him in the first place, but it doesn’t really matter now. It is twisted and you need to get out, asap. Good luck.
It’s time for him to hit the road. You need to stop enabling him and cut your losses. Next thing, you are going to have to start paying for his kid too. He has used you enough and l think you know what to do already and are just looking for validation. You got it, kick him to the curb. You deserve better.
Call up a dear friend, say that you are going to need her shoulder/support because you are finally breaking up with the boyfriend.
He is manipulating you, making you feel guilty (WTH?!) for wanting him to be responsible and pay his fair share. He. Is.Manipulating.You. Dump him, kick him out. Don’t listen to his “reasoning”, pleading, guilt-tripping. You deserve better.
It’s simply, cut ties.
I know you sacrificed a lot to be with him and you invested 3 years of your life, but if you’re having problems now and it’s not going to change because he gets angry. I think it’s time to move on.
Don’t walk. Run.
I lived with a guy like that for 2 years. I broke up with him but he’s still the most selfish person I know. Being cheap isn’t just about money. It’s about sex, housework, support. It’s all about only getting what they want and it was ingrained in them long before you got together. Run away. If you can’t get yourself to do that lay down the law and say if he doesn’t do his share and pay for his share. His future behavior will tell you immediately if he puts himself first or you first. You don’t deserve a guy who won’t put in effort to be with you.
If they guy is living with you and not paying anything, you need to kick him out! If he’s using your utilities and sleeping over, he needs to pay up or move out.
You don’t need to write a letter to a financial blog to discover what you already know – that you are being used in a very big way. Believe in yourself, keep your old friends or make new ones, get back in touch with family members if possible – just build up a support group of people in your life so you don’t have to subject yourself to this just to have companionship.
What a freeloading jerk. Tell it to him straight. If that doesn’t work, kick him out.
Im in a similar situation. My bf and work together and yet i pay for everything. Gas, rent, food, laundry, his clothes and his phone, that i bought for him. He sends all his money to guatemala and when my money is gone and i have nothing to eat, he tricks me into taking him to buy food. He knows that i am a vegetarian so he will buy only meat and when i ask for him to invite me he simply says “no. I dont want to.” Then he treats me not so good. Downright awful. He is always staring at other women and telling me that i am too ugly for anything better then him. That i am too old and gross for anyone to want. I feel like committing suicide because i know its true what he says. Please do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship before it damages you for life. Please. Do it for yourself and for your future…. before you end up like me.. broken and hurt beyond any repair
Hello I am so sorry you feel this way. We need to get in touch. I am going through similar situations and would like a friend to talk with.
I was in the same situation. Get rid of him. You love the person you think he is. The person he really is is the guy who’s using you. The rest is a patient act.
When he says he never heard of splitting the rent…he’s lying. Guys like that also beat women. Get rid of him. It will only get worse.
Leave immediately. You sound like an intelligent person. Use you brains not your heart. Get this parasite out of you life and,do it sooner than later. You’ll only have yourself to blame if you continue tovremsin in such an exploitive relationship.
Best of luck
Annette
I sure hope you have gain some self respect and got away from this leach.