Hello everyone! I have another Reader Question to share. I know I just did one last week, but this reader needs help now and I knew it couldn’t wait until I do another Reader Question post. I’ll let her take it away now…
Please Help Me,
My boyfriend lives with me, I pay all rent and utilities. He thinks I am crazy to want him to pay half rent & utilities.
How do I tell him couples splitting these expenses are normal?
I am tired of having a zero or negative balance in my bank accounts while he has money?! I am thinking about ending our relationship if he refuses again. We can’t buy furniture, or needed clothes, food or move forward in this relationship if he won’t help or meet me half way. He makes more than me, and there is no reason he should live with me when I can get a roommate that will pay half those expenses with me. I love him but, I can’t keep living this way.
HE said that it’s unheard of [couples splitting bills] and that I need to stop listening to my friends and family’s advice. I told him that my last boyfriend and I for 5 years split rent and utilities. I know that he told me that everything is balanced in this relationship, but I know this is not right. He has addictions that he wants to spend his money on, maybe he’s afraid he won’t be able to afford his addictions.
He and I can’t move his young son into our home at all and can’t move forward healthily if he can’t help me. I have told him that we would each have a savings account seperately building up money. Only if he helps me can we be successful together. I am older than he is and he’s learning, but his inexperience is wearing on my patience. I have a counselor lined up, and books and we can talk to rental agencies if he still doesn’t believe me.
This is my last attempt to save our relationship. He gets angry when I bring this up.
I had resigned from a great job, saved $10,000 on my own from that job and moved to another state to begin a new life with him. We have been in a relationship together for 3 years. I have discovered that he is immature. I have sold my personal belongings when he wanted money and, I have depleted all my saved money due to his influence. He says that I am all about money but I feel like a nun, I have given away all my money to him and I don’t have much in material possessions. I just was hoping he’d see reason… But, I keep waiting that he’ll understand. How can I make one last effort to talk to him, explain things in a non-threatening way?
I find it strange that he refuses to help out at all. He said that that’s not the way reality works. I am in disbelief. I have a possible job being offered soon. I have to move forward with this opportunity it will change things for the better financially. I want to progress with him.
What would you do if you were this person?
Let us know in the comments below. All help is appreciated! Also, please be kind. Keep in mind that this is a person who is seeking help.
Kk says
RUN FOREST RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am dead serious ! Get out of this fast! You are being used and taken for granted!
Even there gone that exactly everything almost exactly to the “T”
Get out now … while you’re ahead!!
Seriously !!!
Hurry!!!
Kk says
( I’ve been through)
T says
Please don’t be offended.
I’m just going to tell you the truth with love—
STOP BEING A FOOL!!
Are you that desperate for a “man”?!!!
Kick him to the curb and find a REAL MAN that’s your equal!!!
If you stay—get your tubes tied. Don’t bring any kids into this toxic situation!
Rita says
Get rid of him. You will end up spending money on you and him. Love fade away while money last. Dare someone who is spending on you or at least will split payments 50/50.
If you want to lose more money from your own pocket then keep on dating him.
You can tell him that you need to go back your mom home to take care of her, sounds good idea to leave him.
jolene says
Hello
I am sorry for jumping on this thread but I don’t know how to start my own post. I am in a very similar situation, however I have two young children (2 and 3) and I pay for everything! I have just bought a new house and have furnished etc and the only contribution my partner has made was to pay for one shopping trip (£200) which I haven’t heard the end of! I have spent lots more than that on washing machines, blinds etc, when we live in our (my) old house the agreement was he give me £100 a week and I paid for everything, and then baby number one come along and it was still £100 but give me more when you can – not that he ever did (he worked 7 days a week as a painter and decorator) and then when baby number 2 come along I stopped working (im a teacher) as child care cost more than ,y salary – on the promise that he would pay the bills – low and behold he didn’t – however I knew how unreliable he was so before I left my job I remortgaged my house to have some money in the bank ‘just in case’, anyway we agreed that 250 a week would be ok, (totally not enough for bills but I would add my money to it swell) well, I have had about 5 on time payments, all the rest either never come or are late, usually they don’t come, its normally 100 or 150 or 40, bearing in mind he wore 7 days, so don’t help out at all with the kids, plus he gets 615 a month from an existing thing.
I am at absolute breaking point, since jan 2020 he has not worked and now since corona he can not work, so therefore I am paying everything with my uc money which is only 200 a month more than what he gets, when I ask for money he says he will, he will but never ever does.
What do I do????
Pamela says
He’s a backpack that will continue to get heavier and heavier. In the nursing field it’s called piggy back ( with iv med’s). And speaking of health it will eventually take a toll on you and your children’s health one way or another.
It sounds as though you can afford to pay your bills and his with out him. You’ll probably have more money with him gone, peace of mind,and a new sense of Independence and self respect!
Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do, and bad habits are hard to break. Put on your big girl panties and do what you know needs to be done!
Jools says
To all you strong females out there working providing a home for yourself and your children while the “man” in your life let’s you….. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP SOONER RATHER THAN LATER!!!!! at 53 years of age I have now learnt (the hard way) that you should not have to change the person that you are because of someone’s actions but also you should not allow them to treat you with disrespect. My ex husband stole lied cheated whilst I tried to keep a roof over our heads pay the bills and very rarely saw any money from his so called work so this ended in divorce. After years of being alone working hard providing for my family owning my own home children are grown up with families of their own another “man” walks into my life after 3 years he moves into my home and 3 years down the line I am tired of working 12 hour shifts paying all the bills providing all the groceries and getting pennies every once in a while if I’m lucky in return. How can anyone live in someone’s house and expect them to work long hours and not have any concerns as to what bills need paying or if the cupboards are full. This is selfish disrespectful and although my fault for yet again allowing this I have now plucked up the strength to stop tollerating this behaviour. I thought that as a relationship grows plans are meant to be made about the future. Supporting each other in work in life in all aspects. But unfortunately there are some “men” out there who are still boys and expect to have no responsibility in life even when in a relationship. Come on ladies we are worth more than this do we really think that little of ourselves to put up with this shit!!!!!!!
Annie says
I also went through this well and am trying to get over him. That’s why am here looking for atlist things to mortivate me….My boyfriend moved in during the corona season and I have been the one paying for all the bills and groceries that he got used to it. He would even ask me money from me for him to Bet.
That if I refused he would get mad at me. So I sometimes would give him.
On top of all this he would mistreat me, beat me up over small issues, he recently apologised for all this and I forgave him
But recently he wants me to be paying him if he offers any kind of service, like if I send him to shop to shop for me, he wants me to pay him.
Kindly tell me what could really be worse than this….I love him
Alex says
I’m in a similar situation my boyfriend of 10 years lost his job during lockdown. My job was essential so I ended up paying for everything now I’m struggling to support him working 50-60 hour weeks and he complains every time he has to lift a finger around the apartment. He beat me when I asked him to leave. He eats all my food and refuses to get a job. I’m trying to save money and leave but I feel hopeless.
KeeKee says
Freak the bullshit! After only two weeks of allowing this so-called man to move in with me, he is gone! I am the better for it. He promised to pay half of the cable bill, and then refused. Say what? He used water for showers, baking since he baked cakes for people, used up electricity, watched the cable, I gave up money to wash clothes, and then some. He makes almost twice what I do in Disability, but he is a selfish, worthless piece of trash and I’ll have none of it, so he had to pck up his crap and leave. Hahaha. He is once again homeless and living in his Hooptie out in the cold. I, on the other hand, get my washer and dryer this week, and a brand new 50″ Smart TV next week. Take that!
Shell says
I’m in the same boat he won’t help out I’m trying to get him to leave he won’t go he calls me names non stop …. I too live on nothing I’ve spoken to him regarding this but everytime i do he kicks off and the names start all over again … help what can I do to get him out ??? I sit in my room away from him now and feel like I don’t live in my own house !
Janis Cain says
I would bring home my big huge new boyfriend wink. Hand my ex boyfriend his bags and 500.00
Have Uber take him to a cheap motel. Change the locks, get a no contact order, stop his mail.
It sounds like he would take it. I have done it.
Dumb mom says
Going through the same. I have 2 daughters of my own and it was never a secret I had kids. When he moved in, he wasn’t happy about the area so we relocated. I got pregnant after a while. Then I started noticing that I was paying for everything while he was getting high. He didn’t do a thing. Not just financially but around the house. I can’t even ask him for a lift since he’s the one who drives. He’s always too tired, or he has no petrol and I have to put petrol on his car. One day he said the reason he didn’t help it’s because I had 2 daughters and it wasn’t fair on him when I came with a bigger package.. So not only I have 2 daughters, I also have to support him, and our kid, alone. I mean… he showers, he eats, uses gas, internet, I do his washing… and! How is that fair on me?!
Fast forward a few years things are bad in between us, he decides to go back to his moms house and chase after his ex who supposedly was the love of his life. A month later he asks to go back because he realised she wasn’t who he thought she was. She had 2 kids who apparently were horrible and one on the racist register at school( I’m mixed so our kid isn’t white) she slept around and was on cocaine. All this according to him. The man said he was going to change, we were his family, he wanted to marry me etc, all that nice talk. Took him back, now fast forward 2 months.. he’s exactly the same! Doesn’t help financially, doesn’t help around the house, very secretive with his phone, doesn’t really care about me. All his money goes to weed, his car and takeaways because he doesn’t eat what I cook (I use veg and he doesn’t like veg).
I’m just on the tipping point of telling him to fuck off. I’m tired, I feel used, I feel old, disrespected, unworthy.. all these things because of one man who doesn’t really care about me. It’s all about him.
One small example. Every weekend we sit down to watch a movie. He will ask what I want to watch. Then he will disregard my choice and choose whatever he wants to watch, which is normally the same thing. EVERY WEEKEND!
Love isn’t enough… I trusted that love was enough to get past these problems and that he loved me enough to change…
It’s all lies I’m feeding myself.
He will never change for me.
He might for his ex. But not for me. He will never respect me, or my kids.
So… I think it’s time to reevaluate my life and choices. For the sake of my family.
Any woman going through the same… my advise to you: he won’t change. After a few years he hasn’t changed? He won’t change. At least not for you. Sorry for saying this.
You’re strong and you must believe in yourself. You are your childrens example. Be great 👍