Hello everyone! I have another Reader Question to share. I know I just did one last week, but this reader needs help now and I knew it couldn't wait until I do another Reader Question post. I'll let her take it away now…
Please Help Me,
My boyfriend lives with me, I pay all rent and utilities. He thinks I am crazy to want him to pay half rent & utilities.
How do I tell him couples splitting these expenses are normal?
I am tired of having a zero or negative balance in my bank accounts while he has money?! I am thinking about ending our relationship if he refuses again. We can’t buy furniture, or needed clothes, food or move forward in this relationship if he won’t help or meet me half way. He makes more than me, and there is no reason he should live with me when I can get a roommate that will pay half those expenses with me. I love him but, I can’t keep living this way.
HE said that it’s unheard of [couples splitting bills] and that I need to stop listening to my friends and family’s advice. I told him that my last boyfriend and I for 5 years split rent and utilities. I know that he told me that everything is balanced in this relationship, but I know this is not right. He has addictions that he wants to spend his money on, maybe he’s afraid he won’t be able to afford his addictions.
He and I can’t move his young son into our home at all and can’t move forward healthily if he can’t help me. I have told him that we would each have a savings account seperately building up money. Only if he helps me can we be successful together. I am older than he is and he’s learning, but his inexperience is wearing on my patience. I have a counselor lined up, and books and we can talk to rental agencies if he still doesn’t believe me.
This is my last attempt to save our relationship. He gets angry when I bring this up.
I had resigned from a great job, saved $10,000 on my own from that job and moved to another state to begin a new life with him. We have been in a relationship together for 3 years. I have discovered that he is immature. I have sold my personal belongings when he wanted money and, I have depleted all my saved money due to his influence. He says that I am all about money but I feel like a nun, I have given away all my money to him and I don’t have much in material possessions. I just was hoping he’d see reason… But, I keep waiting that he’ll understand. How can I make one last effort to talk to him, explain things in a non-threatening way?
I find it strange that he refuses to help out at all. He said that that’s not the way reality works. I am in disbelief. I have a possible job being offered soon. I have to move forward with this opportunity it will change things for the better financially. I want to progress with him.
What would you do if you were this person?
Let us know in the comments below. All help is appreciated! Also, please be kind. Keep in mind that this is a person who is seeking help.
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Kate says
May 14, 2018 at 11:23 amIt seems some guys will do everything and anything for the woman they love, including providing for her. At the very, very, least they will not ask her to do more for him then he can do for her. I have found this out though bad experiences.
First of all, to you young women out there, never ever let a guy move in with you for a LONG TIME. That right there leaves you open to being his sugar mama. You should know a man at least two years before deciding if you are ready to live together, and then it is him that should provide the place to live (let him take care of the lease). I know that sounds old fashioned, but believe me it is much easier to leave than to get rid of him when he stops paying the bills. Sure you can help with the bills or pay half if that is agreed upon, but only if you have some say-so about where you are going to live. Decide what you can afford before moving in together as well as how other costs are going to be handled. You cannot go and charge up $10,000 in furniture and expect him to pay if it is not what he wanted.
A guy who is in love would not take advantage of the woman he is in love with. So if he is having you pay the bills, or most of the bills, no matter what the income difference, then he simply is not in love with you, and you are a just an easy way out from him being a mature responsible man.
Pam says
July 27, 2018 at 8:25 amYou said what you feel. You cannot accept his financial plan. Marriage seen in court while divorcing is a not love it is seen as a financial contract. Holding on to affection is limiting when beliefs are not met nor shared. It is not a sign of true love. Sharing and valuing another are values of true love. It takes Courage to face the pain of loss.
Hannah VaVerka says
April 2, 2019 at 12:43 pmHi, these commenters gave you some shitty advice. And I’m a little late to the party so I apologize. He has to pay for rent, both of you equally. Like the first commenter said, “..men will do anything for the woman they love, including provide for her”. He has addiction abuse so that’s highly likely why he’s so against paying for rent and things. Confront him either alone or with friends about his drug habits and you struggling to pay rent. If he cannot see the light you must leave. You’ve drained yourself financially and mentally.
Randy says
April 21, 2019 at 4:51 pmYou have to get him out now. He is absolutely taking advantage of you. You made the home for him from the beginning so he is continuing to expect that. Next time, as one of the other responders said, let the man make the living arrangements. This relationship is unsaleable. Pick up your shit and git.