Hello everyone! I have another Reader Question to share. I know I just did one last week, but this reader needs help now and I knew it couldn’t wait until I do another Reader Question post. I’ll let her take it away now…
Please Help Me,
My boyfriend lives with me, I pay all rent and utilities. He thinks I am crazy to want him to pay half rent & utilities.
How do I tell him couples splitting these expenses are normal?
I am tired of having a zero or negative balance in my bank accounts while he has money?! I am thinking about ending our relationship if he refuses again. We can’t buy furniture, or needed clothes, food or move forward in this relationship if he won’t help or meet me half way. He makes more than me, and there is no reason he should live with me when I can get a roommate that will pay half those expenses with me. I love him but, I can’t keep living this way.
HE said that it’s unheard of [couples splitting bills] and that I need to stop listening to my friends and family’s advice. I told him that my last boyfriend and I for 5 years split rent and utilities. I know that he told me that everything is balanced in this relationship, but I know this is not right. He has addictions that he wants to spend his money on, maybe he’s afraid he won’t be able to afford his addictions.
He and I can’t move his young son into our home at all and can’t move forward healthily if he can’t help me. I have told him that we would each have a savings account seperately building up money. Only if he helps me can we be successful together. I am older than he is and he’s learning, but his inexperience is wearing on my patience. I have a counselor lined up, and books and we can talk to rental agencies if he still doesn’t believe me.
This is my last attempt to save our relationship. He gets angry when I bring this up.
I had resigned from a great job, saved $10,000 on my own from that job and moved to another state to begin a new life with him. We have been in a relationship together for 3 years. I have discovered that he is immature. I have sold my personal belongings when he wanted money and, I have depleted all my saved money due to his influence. He says that I am all about money but I feel like a nun, I have given away all my money to him and I don’t have much in material possessions. I just was hoping he’d see reason… But, I keep waiting that he’ll understand. How can I make one last effort to talk to him, explain things in a non-threatening way?
I find it strange that he refuses to help out at all. He said that that’s not the way reality works. I am in disbelief. I have a possible job being offered soon. I have to move forward with this opportunity it will change things for the better financially. I want to progress with him.
What would you do if you were this person?
Let us know in the comments below. All help is appreciated! Also, please be kind. Keep in mind that this is a person who is seeking help.
It seems some guys will do everything and anything for the woman they love, including providing for her. At the very, very, least they will not ask her to do more for him then he can do for her. I have found this out though bad experiences.
First of all, to you young women out there, never ever let a guy move in with you for a LONG TIME. That right there leaves you open to being his sugar mama. You should know a man at least two years before deciding if you are ready to live together, and then it is him that should provide the place to live (let him take care of the lease). I know that sounds old fashioned, but believe me it is much easier to leave than to get rid of him when he stops paying the bills. Sure you can help with the bills or pay half if that is agreed upon, but only if you have some say-so about where you are going to live. Decide what you can afford before moving in together as well as how other costs are going to be handled. You cannot go and charge up $10,000 in furniture and expect him to pay if it is not what he wanted.
A guy who is in love would not take advantage of the woman he is in love with. So if he is having you pay the bills, or most of the bills, no matter what the income difference, then he simply is not in love with you, and you are a just an easy way out from him being a mature responsible man.
You said what you feel. You cannot accept his financial plan. Marriage seen in court while divorcing is a not love it is seen as a financial contract. Holding on to affection is limiting when beliefs are not met nor shared. It is not a sign of true love. Sharing and valuing another are values of true love. It takes Courage to face the pain of loss.
Hi, these commenters gave you some shitty advice. And I’m a little late to the party so I apologize. He has to pay for rent, both of you equally. Like the first commenter said, “..men will do anything for the woman they love, including provide for her”. He has addiction abuse so that’s highly likely why he’s so against paying for rent and things. Confront him either alone or with friends about his drug habits and you struggling to pay rent. If he cannot see the light you must leave. You’ve drained yourself financially and mentally.
You have to get him out now. He is absolutely taking advantage of you. You made the home for him from the beginning so he is continuing to expect that. Next time, as one of the other responders said, let the man make the living arrangements. This relationship is unsaleable. Pick up your shit and git.
RUN FOREST RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am dead serious ! Get out of this fast! You are being used and taken for granted!
Even there gone that exactly everything almost exactly to the “T”
Get out now … while you’re ahead!!
Seriously !!!
Hurry!!!
( I’ve been through)
Please don’t be offended.
I’m just going to tell you the truth with love—
STOP BEING A FOOL!!
Are you that desperate for a “man”?!!!
Kick him to the curb and find a REAL MAN that’s your equal!!!
If you stay—get your tubes tied. Don’t bring any kids into this toxic situation!
Get rid of him. You will end up spending money on you and him. Love fade away while money last. Dare someone who is spending on you or at least will split payments 50/50.
If you want to lose more money from your own pocket then keep on dating him.
You can tell him that you need to go back your mom home to take care of her, sounds good idea to leave him.
Hello
I am sorry for jumping on this thread but I don’t know how to start my own post. I am in a very similar situation, however I have two young children (2 and 3) and I pay for everything! I have just bought a new house and have furnished etc and the only contribution my partner has made was to pay for one shopping trip (£200) which I haven’t heard the end of! I have spent lots more than that on washing machines, blinds etc, when we live in our (my) old house the agreement was he give me £100 a week and I paid for everything, and then baby number one come along and it was still £100 but give me more when you can – not that he ever did (he worked 7 days a week as a painter and decorator) and then when baby number 2 come along I stopped working (im a teacher) as child care cost more than ,y salary – on the promise that he would pay the bills – low and behold he didn’t – however I knew how unreliable he was so before I left my job I remortgaged my house to have some money in the bank ‘just in case’, anyway we agreed that 250 a week would be ok, (totally not enough for bills but I would add my money to it swell) well, I have had about 5 on time payments, all the rest either never come or are late, usually they don’t come, its normally 100 or 150 or 40, bearing in mind he wore 7 days, so don’t help out at all with the kids, plus he gets 615 a month from an existing thing.
I am at absolute breaking point, since jan 2020 he has not worked and now since corona he can not work, so therefore I am paying everything with my uc money which is only 200 a month more than what he gets, when I ask for money he says he will, he will but never ever does.
What do I do????
He’s a backpack that will continue to get heavier and heavier. In the nursing field it’s called piggy back ( with iv med’s). And speaking of health it will eventually take a toll on you and your children’s health one way or another.
It sounds as though you can afford to pay your bills and his with out him. You’ll probably have more money with him gone, peace of mind,and a new sense of Independence and self respect!
Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do, and bad habits are hard to break. Put on your big girl panties and do what you know needs to be done!
To all you strong females out there working providing a home for yourself and your children while the “man” in your life let’s you….. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP SOONER RATHER THAN LATER!!!!! at 53 years of age I have now learnt (the hard way) that you should not have to change the person that you are because of someone’s actions but also you should not allow them to treat you with disrespect. My ex husband stole lied cheated whilst I tried to keep a roof over our heads pay the bills and very rarely saw any money from his so called work so this ended in divorce. After years of being alone working hard providing for my family owning my own home children are grown up with families of their own another “man” walks into my life after 3 years he moves into my home and 3 years down the line I am tired of working 12 hour shifts paying all the bills providing all the groceries and getting pennies every once in a while if I’m lucky in return. How can anyone live in someone’s house and expect them to work long hours and not have any concerns as to what bills need paying or if the cupboards are full. This is selfish disrespectful and although my fault for yet again allowing this I have now plucked up the strength to stop tollerating this behaviour. I thought that as a relationship grows plans are meant to be made about the future. Supporting each other in work in life in all aspects. But unfortunately there are some “men” out there who are still boys and expect to have no responsibility in life even when in a relationship. Come on ladies we are worth more than this do we really think that little of ourselves to put up with this shit!!!!!!!