Hello everyone! I have another Reader Question to share. I know I just did one last week, but this reader needs help now and I knew it couldn’t wait until I do another Reader Question post. I’ll let her take it away now…
Please Help Me,
My boyfriend lives with me, I pay all rent and utilities. He thinks I am crazy to want him to pay half rent & utilities.
How do I tell him couples splitting these expenses are normal?
I am tired of having a zero or negative balance in my bank accounts while he has money?! I am thinking about ending our relationship if he refuses again. We can’t buy furniture, or needed clothes, food or move forward in this relationship if he won’t help or meet me half way. He makes more than me, and there is no reason he should live with me when I can get a roommate that will pay half those expenses with me. I love him but, I can’t keep living this way.
HE said that it’s unheard of [couples splitting bills] and that I need to stop listening to my friends and family’s advice. I told him that my last boyfriend and I for 5 years split rent and utilities. I know that he told me that everything is balanced in this relationship, but I know this is not right. He has addictions that he wants to spend his money on, maybe he’s afraid he won’t be able to afford his addictions.
He and I can’t move his young son into our home at all and can’t move forward healthily if he can’t help me. I have told him that we would each have a savings account seperately building up money. Only if he helps me can we be successful together. I am older than he is and he’s learning, but his inexperience is wearing on my patience. I have a counselor lined up, and books and we can talk to rental agencies if he still doesn’t believe me.
This is my last attempt to save our relationship. He gets angry when I bring this up.
I had resigned from a great job, saved $10,000 on my own from that job and moved to another state to begin a new life with him. We have been in a relationship together for 3 years. I have discovered that he is immature. I have sold my personal belongings when he wanted money and, I have depleted all my saved money due to his influence. He says that I am all about money but I feel like a nun, I have given away all my money to him and I don’t have much in material possessions. I just was hoping he’d see reason… But, I keep waiting that he’ll understand. How can I make one last effort to talk to him, explain things in a non-threatening way?
I find it strange that he refuses to help out at all. He said that that’s not the way reality works. I am in disbelief. I have a possible job being offered soon. I have to move forward with this opportunity it will change things for the better financially. I want to progress with him.
What would you do if you were this person?
Let us know in the comments below. All help is appreciated! Also, please be kind. Keep in mind that this is a person who is seeking help.
Mrs. Pop @ Planting Our Pennies says
We never split things down the middle, but we definitely alternated paying so neither person felt like they were mooching off the other. What shared expenses does your partner pay for if you’re paying all the utilities?
Meghan says
He has used you – walk away now. I can see how initially he may not have known how to split expenses but that time passed. I don’t see any reason you’d want to salvage a relationship with someone like this?
cherie ambrosino says
I want you to take a moment and think how you would react if someone told you that their friend had moved in with them and told the writer that they felt it was crazy that a roommate pay for anything.
You already know all the answers to your question – you just don’t want them to be true. I’m not being callous – I know how hard this is.
That doesn’t change the truth.
He is controlling you in a dangerous way already – it alarms me that he tells you ‘don’t listen to your family and friends’ – and he gets angry when you bring this up – a very bad combination if you ask me.
There is no earthly way that this person cares for you as anything other than free room and board. If he cared he would listen to you. If he cared he would respect you enough to be, at the very least, fair about money. If he cared he would not take advantage of you. If he cared he would respect the value of your family and friends to you.
And separately from all that – had you just started dating this man and he told you that he felt it was only right that you pay for everything, because he was willing to spend time with you and that was all he was willing to do – would you have continued to date him?
My advice is to end this relationship immediately – there is a lot more going on here than money – he is depleting your self esteem while he’s depleting your bank account – and I have a terrible feeling that things will only go from bad to worse – end it NOW. I might even go so far as to have his things packed and have friends waiting in another room while you have this conversation.
Good luck
Liz says
Does your boyfriend have a job? It’s definitely not fair that he is relying on you to pay for everything. If you can’t get him to contribute his fair share and if he just can’t understand why, you need to protect yourself and do what is best for you. You deserve a significant other that is going to help out and put in their fair share.
Barb says
I have been in your shoes before and believe me they are not fun ones to be wearing.
I currently own my home, and a few years ago the guy I was dating moved in with me. He was unable to pay rent, so we bartered, he did all of the yard work, housekeeping, meal cooking, laundry, etc. It was great for me, and I felt that he really earned his keep. However, he hated it, as all of his time was used keeping house. We broke up, he moved out and I ended up getting a housemate. My housemate then rented a room from me for 1/4 of my bills (mortgage, gas, electric, etc). We determined this number by me adding up all of my bills and determining the amount of space he was using and taking that ratio. This worked well for a very long time, until my new boyfriend wanted to move in with me. This is where it got really tricky. I had two very good rent situations in the past, but this was serious. I didn’t want him to share in the mortgage, but I felt that the space he was using was the whole has as compared to one room. So, I made him pay all the utilites, so in the winter it was slightly more and in the summer slightly less. We continued this arrangment for two years until we got married. Now, because everything is in my name we each contribute an equal amount to the joint account and I pay all of the bills from there. Out of all the methods we have used, I have liked this one the best, as it allows me to save a little, pay off my debts and still be able to pay all the bills.
Good luck, I would really try pushing towards him having to pay something, I understand you love him and you have made tons of sacrifices, but it seems like you are being used and it will just keeping continuing.
DC @ Young Adult Money says
The fact that he gets angry when you bring up the topic is a HUGE red flag. I would recommend you end this relationship. The sooner you do it the easier it will be.
Bill says
Pack his stuff and put it outside at least you didn’t do the old timey outdated marriage mistake
Dave @ The New York Budget says
Yeah, I know this is easier for me, a random Internet stranger to say, but I definitely think it’s time to move on. And it’s not just about money. The fact that he doesn’t want to carry his weight in the relationship is a bad sign for the future of the relationship. What other practical and emotional duties will he end of shirking as time goes on?
Holly@ClubThrifty says
Kick his ass out!!!!
Angela says
End the relationship as soon as you can. Don’t walk, run! It doesn’t sound healthy at all. You’ll find someone better and wonder why you didn’t get out sooner.
Tonya@Budget and the Beach says
I have to agree with what everyone is saying. The fact that he is getting angry is a red flag because you are calling him out on something and you, my friend, are right. Not that everything has to be 50/50, but he does have to contribute in his own way. Since this has happened to you before, I would suggest just you get counseling or seek help to find why you are repeating this behavior. What do you get out of it? Companionship? The need to take care of someone? You deserve someone who will treat you with respect. But please understand I know this is not an easy thing…but it sounds like this relationship needs to end.
Susan C says
Hi, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but now you need to get yourself out of it as quickly and safely as possible. You need to tell BF that you simply can’t afford this anymore. That you are moving so he needs to find somewhere else to live. It doesn’t matter whether you’re moving or not but I recommend that you do. And don’t give him your new address. As others have noted, there are a few red flags here. I’m concerned for your safety. It might be a good idea to call a hotline for domestic abuse to find out the best way to do this. He has a lot at stake here, free room and board so you can spend money on addictions is not easy to come by.
kammi says
Run away from that relationship. The fact that you have to come online and ask for advice is bad enough; the best relationships (and I know because my parents have been together have been together for 46 years now, and I’ve been together with my b/f for 12) are like really good friendships where there is TRUST and RESPECT. He doesn’t respect you and (it doesn’t sound like) your opinion either. Money is a HUGE deal breaker for many relationships, also. He sounds very immature, also. A person that is meant for you has LIFE GOALS in common with you. He would want to help you because he would see how it would affect BOTH of you in the LONG term. That’s my opinion based on my experience. Also, if it sounds like he looks down on you. If you’ve ever read Malcolm Gladwell’s books, there is one in which he talks about disdain, and how it is typically unheard of for a relationship (friendship/love) to be recovered once one party has disdain or scorn for the other. It’s true, because the respect is lost. Have strength, courage and may you find the right person for you (we know we are not perfect). Good luck!
Kathy says
Throw his ass out.
Brittany says
There are countless red flags in your question that indicate he is being controlling and manipulative. I’ve lived with two boyfriends in the past. One, we made the exact same amount of money and split everything 50/50. The other, I took a substantial paycut to move to his town so he made about 35,000 more than me a year and we lived in the home he already “owned” (was making mortgage payments). There, we split things 2/3 – 1/3. I paid rent in the same proportion as a roommate, Internet and bought all the groceries for him and his daughter that he had every other weekend. It worked out really fair for us.
But not paying a dime when he makes more than you, and telling you not to listen to your family and friends? That is incredibly unhealthy and concerning. If you don’t feel strong enough to end the relationship on your own I would suggest seeing a counselor to help you break away. I’m not sure what his addictions are, but I am very sorry to say it sounds like he has been using you for a long time.
Take the new job opportunity and break free from this. You sound very smart and successful. You will be ok!!
Grayson @ Debt Roundup says
I am going to keep my response easy. This is an easy answer. End it! That is enough. He is using the crap out of you and you are letting him do it. You are only hurting yourself in this relationship. He knows that he has you and you will allow him to dictate what you do. Just end it now!
CeCe @Pink Sunshine says
RUN FAR FAR AWAY!! That is ridiculous. He is selfish and wants to freeload off of you. If he can’t see how that is wrong and unfair he is not the man for you. Let him find someone else to pay his way through life.
Sara says
His attitude is a huge red flag. Please find strength within your self to leave this abusive relationship and heal. He may not be hitting you, but abuse comes in many forms and this sounds like one of them.
DJ says
As Dan Savage would say, “DMTFA” (or Dump The Mother F*cker Already). I don’t know what “reality” he’s talking about when he says that couples don’t split costs–what could possibly entitle him to a free ride when he has a job (that you say pays more than yours, not incidentally) and is perfectly capable of covering AT LEAST half the expenses. You’ve invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship, but it sounds like he doesn’t think he has a responsibility to you or to the relationship (not just financially, but getting mad and shutting you down when you try to confront him about it). Whatever positive qualities he may have can’t outweigh devaluing you as less than his equal. DTMFA.
Jennifer says
I personally think he’s bullshitting you with his logic because it’s getting him what he wants and you’re willing to put up with it (for now). I’m sorry to hear you’re relationship is in the situation it is now. 3 years is a really long time to be in a relationship and realize that you may have to throw it away. Several years ago, I was almost in the same situation except he left me for someone else before I moved to a different state to be with him. That was probably the best thing that happened in our relationship.
Leaving a relationship is never easy, especially after 3 years and when you’ve sacrificed so much but my advice to you is to end the relationship now. Starting over is better than digging yourself deeper and deeper into the whole. Much like I said, i think he’s bullshitting you. I don’t know what type of upbringing he has had to where he would think two people living together would not share finances. Does his mom support his dad? Even in marriage, it’s common for people to share bank accounts and split the bills. Some families are still a bit more traditional in that men take care of the family financially and women take care of everything else…but even if that’s the case and roles are reversed, is he doing everything else while you provide for the two of you financially? It doesn’t sound like.
Marriage and relationships require both parties to put effort in equally for them to work out. If one person gives more than the other, eventually those feelings of unfairness catch up to you. If you’re at the point where bringing it up angers him, he’s not going to change even if you talk to him about. You need to take action, whether it’s by stop paying for his things or leave him completely. Otherwise, he’s going to continue what he’s doing because he knows he can get away with it as he has been doing.
There’s better people out there, there’s no need to put up with someone like that. Sometimes you have to think about whether you’re really in love or you’re in love with love itself. Does he genuinely make you happy? Or do you think you’ll be unhappier without him? If the latter, then what youre going through the price you pay.
Melissa says
I wholeheartedly agree with Susan C. Though you may not be able to see it right now, this is not a safe situation. As a long-time volunteer with a domestic violence program, I can see many red flags. He isolated you when you quit a good job and moved states to be with him. He is dismissive of your thoughts and feelings and reacts in anger or calls you crazy when you question him about making changes to the situation. He tells you to not listen to your friends and family when they have concerns. He makes you pay for everything and even sell your own possessions when he needed the money. At the very least he is being controlling, emotionally abusive, and financially abusive. I second the recommendation that you call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They can give you more personalized information about safety planning for if/when you decide to leave the situation, as well as listen to your concerns about his behavior. It is completely anonymous and they can’t trace you, so you can speak freely even if you just have some initial questions and are unsure of what you want to do.
Please be safe and know that you deserve much better than this.
alexis says
It sounds like he wants a mommy to pay all his bills, take care of him and take care of his son. If you want a partner then this person is not for you. Even if you love him, this situation isn’t right and for your mental and emotional sanity you need to ask him to leave because it isn’t healthy
James says
Almost all, if not everything, in the above posts is spot on.
From your position it is hard to see and feel clearly. I have counseled many folks over the years as part of my work and I can tell you that those folks suggesting a possibly dangerous situation are not out of line. You may not want to believe it, but there are many signs there to suggest potential dangerous responses to any assertiveness on your part.
Whether you can accept it or not, this man does not love or care for you. He is using you. His true inner feelings are: “I love me and I want you.” He may even show tears after anger, but he will try to manipulate you for his own benefit. I will not say it is impossible for him to change but very unlikely, especially as long as there is anything like substance abuse.
Another factor that is hard for most folks to accept and even harder to act on is that you are enabling him to carry on in this way. You know that what he is saying about sharing expenses is absurd. You should not argue the point. He knows what he is saying is laughable but he argues it because you accept it as much as you do. He is able to do this only because you accept it. Do not continue to teach him that this is acceptable.
If he earns more than you do then he should be contributing more than you do to the household expenses, but half is a minimum. The advice of others to get out as quickly as you can is probably well taken. But at least you should let him know that if he cares anything at all about you, even has the normal respect due to friends, he will accept his responsibility to pay half of the household living expenses and that if he will not he should move out.
Sarah says
My response is going to sound extreme, but your relationship is an extreme state.
You need to kick him to the curb. NOW. You are being used 100%. He is a little boy, not an adult in any way shape or form. I get that you invested a lot of time into this relationship, but you are the only one. There is zero chance that he is going to change. Please put yourself first.
I hope everything works out for you.
Isabelle says
Sorry to be so blunt, I know that I don’t know you or your partner, but my advice is ‘run!’.
Laurie @thefrugalfarmer says
HUGE red flag here, my friend. Sounds like there is A LOT of self-focus/selfishness going on with him, and that will not make for a happy relationship long-term. Obviously the decision has to be yours, but you don’t want to waste your life having some guy mooch off you. Relationships need to be 100/100, not 100/0. Best of luck to you.
Jason B says
Time to call it quits asap!
Eric says
I would run, not walk, away from this guy who is clearly using you. You deserve to be happy. You will never be in this situation.
Aileen says
I think it’s time to let go. My boyfriend paid for everything when we moved in together, but I helped where I could. He’s taking advantage of you and you obviously know it, you just need the extra kick in the butt to take action. This is me kicking you in the butt!
SarahO says
While I agree with what everyone is saying the real problem is not that the guy is not paying for anything, but that the guy is an addict. His behavior (selfishness, manipulation) is not going to change unless he decides to get help for his addiction (and there is nothing in your question that indicates he wants to). This is tough advice to swallow but please leave while you can. See the counselor you have lined up, but alone, so that you can work through your own issues (afterall you choose him and put up with him). Going to al anon or another addiction support group for families of addicts would also be helpful. It does hurt to end a long relationship, and it may feel selfish to focus on yourself, but please take care of you and your needs. You deserve better.
Michelle says
You deserve better than this. Life is short. This is hard to write but he has a complete lack of respect for you and from his perspective you are his Sugar Momma. Basically, you aren’t in a relationship because if you were there would be mutual love and respect and he would be happy to help you financially and emotionally. Don’t compromise your self-respect and dignity. There are 7 Billion humans on this earth which means there are a number of different men out there who will love and cherish you. You just have to move on and create the literal and mental space to allow them to meet you. Wishing you only good things.
Carlos @ TheFrugalWeds says
Wow that is tough. Financial accountability seems to be missing at an early stage in this relationship so it is hard to see that getting better on its own. If the guy is already dismissive of friends and family and getting angry, that seems to be another red flag. I am sure there is a great guy buried under that selfishness, but at some point it needs to be equitable or the woman needs to leave that terrible situation.
NZ Muse says
Ask yourself: what would you say if you were to read this letter and imagine it was by someone else. What would you tell them?
I honestly don’t understand how you got into this situation with him in the first place, but it doesn’t really matter now. It is twisted and you need to get out, asap. Good luck.
Kemkem says
It’s time for him to hit the road. You need to stop enabling him and cut your losses. Next thing, you are going to have to start paying for his kid too. He has used you enough and l think you know what to do already and are just looking for validation. You got it, kick him to the curb. You deserve better.
Lynn says
Call up a dear friend, say that you are going to need her shoulder/support because you are finally breaking up with the boyfriend.
He is manipulating you, making you feel guilty (WTH?!) for wanting him to be responsible and pay his fair share. He. Is.Manipulating.You. Dump him, kick him out. Don’t listen to his “reasoning”, pleading, guilt-tripping. You deserve better.
Mike says
It’s simply, cut ties.
I know you sacrificed a lot to be with him and you invested 3 years of your life, but if you’re having problems now and it’s not going to change because he gets angry. I think it’s time to move on.
Athena says
Don’t walk. Run.
ashley says
I lived with a guy like that for 2 years. I broke up with him but he’s still the most selfish person I know. Being cheap isn’t just about money. It’s about sex, housework, support. It’s all about only getting what they want and it was ingrained in them long before you got together. Run away. If you can’t get yourself to do that lay down the law and say if he doesn’t do his share and pay for his share. His future behavior will tell you immediately if he puts himself first or you first. You don’t deserve a guy who won’t put in effort to be with you.
Tara @ Streets Ahead Living says
If they guy is living with you and not paying anything, you need to kick him out! If he’s using your utilities and sleeping over, he needs to pay up or move out.
Judy Charlotte says
What a freeloading jerk. Tell it to him straight. If that doesn’t work, kick him out.
bonnie says
I’m in the same situation. I’ve been with this man whom I’ve loved for two years now and he does not pay half of the bills. He does however pay when we go out. He makes a lot more than me so when I get my check, pay the bills, I’m broke so he buys me cigarette and had till I get paid again. But he still always has money. Then he throws it in my face. Ugh! Not to mention after 2 years as boyfriend and girlfriend we don’t even have sex
Christina says
Im in a similar situation. My bf and work together and yet i pay for everything. Gas, rent, food, laundry, his clothes and his phone, that i bought for him. He sends all his money to guatemala and when my money is gone and i have nothing to eat, he tricks me into taking him to buy food. He knows that i am a vegetarian so he will buy only meat and when i ask for him to invite me he simply says “no. I dont want to.” Then he treats me not so good. Downright awful. He is always staring at other women and telling me that i am too ugly for anything better then him. That i am too old and gross for anyone to want. I feel like committing suicide because i know its true what he says. Please do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship before it damages you for life. Please. Do it for yourself and for your future…. before you end up like me.. broken and hurt beyond any repair
Shashai says
Hello I am so sorry you feel this way. We need to get in touch. I am going through similar situations and would like a friend to talk with.
Toni says
I was in the same situation. Get rid of him. You love the person you think he is. The person he really is is the guy who’s using you. The rest is a patient act.
Toni says
When he says he never heard of splitting the rent…he’s lying. Guys like that also beat women. Get rid of him. It will only get worse.
A.nnette says
Leave immediately. You sound like an intelligent person. Use you brains not your heart. Get this parasite out of you life and,do it sooner than later. You’ll only have yourself to blame if you continue tovremsin in such an exploitive relationship.
Best of luck
Annette
hopefully says
I sure hope you have gain some self respect and got away from this leach.
Kate says
It seems some guys will do everything and anything for the woman they love, including providing for her. At the very, very, least they will not ask her to do more for him then he can do for her. I have found this out though bad experiences.
First of all, to you young women out there, never ever let a guy move in with you for a LONG TIME. That right there leaves you open to being his sugar mama. You should know a man at least two years before deciding if you are ready to live together, and then it is him that should provide the place to live (let him take care of the lease). I know that sounds old fashioned, but believe me it is much easier to leave than to get rid of him when he stops paying the bills. Sure you can help with the bills or pay half if that is agreed upon, but only if you have some say-so about where you are going to live. Decide what you can afford before moving in together as well as how other costs are going to be handled. You cannot go and charge up $10,000 in furniture and expect him to pay if it is not what he wanted.
A guy who is in love would not take advantage of the woman he is in love with. So if he is having you pay the bills, or most of the bills, no matter what the income difference, then he simply is not in love with you, and you are a just an easy way out from him being a mature responsible man.
Pam says
You said what you feel. You cannot accept his financial plan. Marriage seen in court while divorcing is a not love it is seen as a financial contract. Holding on to affection is limiting when beliefs are not met nor shared. It is not a sign of true love. Sharing and valuing another are values of true love. It takes Courage to face the pain of loss.
Hannah VaVerka says
Hi, these commenters gave you some shitty advice. And I’m a little late to the party so I apologize. He has to pay for rent, both of you equally. Like the first commenter said, “..men will do anything for the woman they love, including provide for her”. He has addiction abuse so that’s highly likely why he’s so against paying for rent and things. Confront him either alone or with friends about his drug habits and you struggling to pay rent. If he cannot see the light you must leave. You’ve drained yourself financially and mentally.
Randy says
You have to get him out now. He is absolutely taking advantage of you. You made the home for him from the beginning so he is continuing to expect that. Next time, as one of the other responders said, let the man make the living arrangements. This relationship is unsaleable. Pick up your shit and git.
Kk says
RUN FOREST RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am dead serious ! Get out of this fast! You are being used and taken for granted!
Even there gone that exactly everything almost exactly to the “T”
Get out now … while you’re ahead!!
Seriously !!!
Hurry!!!
Kk says
( I’ve been through)
T says
Please don’t be offended.
I’m just going to tell you the truth with love—
STOP BEING A FOOL!!
Are you that desperate for a “man”?!!!
Kick him to the curb and find a REAL MAN that’s your equal!!!
If you stay—get your tubes tied. Don’t bring any kids into this toxic situation!
Rita says
Get rid of him. You will end up spending money on you and him. Love fade away while money last. Dare someone who is spending on you or at least will split payments 50/50.
If you want to lose more money from your own pocket then keep on dating him.
You can tell him that you need to go back your mom home to take care of her, sounds good idea to leave him.
jolene says
Hello
I am sorry for jumping on this thread but I don’t know how to start my own post. I am in a very similar situation, however I have two young children (2 and 3) and I pay for everything! I have just bought a new house and have furnished etc and the only contribution my partner has made was to pay for one shopping trip (£200) which I haven’t heard the end of! I have spent lots more than that on washing machines, blinds etc, when we live in our (my) old house the agreement was he give me £100 a week and I paid for everything, and then baby number one come along and it was still £100 but give me more when you can – not that he ever did (he worked 7 days a week as a painter and decorator) and then when baby number 2 come along I stopped working (im a teacher) as child care cost more than ,y salary – on the promise that he would pay the bills – low and behold he didn’t – however I knew how unreliable he was so before I left my job I remortgaged my house to have some money in the bank ‘just in case’, anyway we agreed that 250 a week would be ok, (totally not enough for bills but I would add my money to it swell) well, I have had about 5 on time payments, all the rest either never come or are late, usually they don’t come, its normally 100 or 150 or 40, bearing in mind he wore 7 days, so don’t help out at all with the kids, plus he gets 615 a month from an existing thing.
I am at absolute breaking point, since jan 2020 he has not worked and now since corona he can not work, so therefore I am paying everything with my uc money which is only 200 a month more than what he gets, when I ask for money he says he will, he will but never ever does.
What do I do????
Pamela says
He’s a backpack that will continue to get heavier and heavier. In the nursing field it’s called piggy back ( with iv med’s). And speaking of health it will eventually take a toll on you and your children’s health one way or another.
It sounds as though you can afford to pay your bills and his with out him. You’ll probably have more money with him gone, peace of mind,and a new sense of Independence and self respect!
Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do, and bad habits are hard to break. Put on your big girl panties and do what you know needs to be done!
Jools says
To all you strong females out there working providing a home for yourself and your children while the “man” in your life let’s you….. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP SOONER RATHER THAN LATER!!!!! at 53 years of age I have now learnt (the hard way) that you should not have to change the person that you are because of someone’s actions but also you should not allow them to treat you with disrespect. My ex husband stole lied cheated whilst I tried to keep a roof over our heads pay the bills and very rarely saw any money from his so called work so this ended in divorce. After years of being alone working hard providing for my family owning my own home children are grown up with families of their own another “man” walks into my life after 3 years he moves into my home and 3 years down the line I am tired of working 12 hour shifts paying all the bills providing all the groceries and getting pennies every once in a while if I’m lucky in return. How can anyone live in someone’s house and expect them to work long hours and not have any concerns as to what bills need paying or if the cupboards are full. This is selfish disrespectful and although my fault for yet again allowing this I have now plucked up the strength to stop tollerating this behaviour. I thought that as a relationship grows plans are meant to be made about the future. Supporting each other in work in life in all aspects. But unfortunately there are some “men” out there who are still boys and expect to have no responsibility in life even when in a relationship. Come on ladies we are worth more than this do we really think that little of ourselves to put up with this shit!!!!!!!
Annie says
I also went through this well and am trying to get over him. That’s why am here looking for atlist things to mortivate me….My boyfriend moved in during the corona season and I have been the one paying for all the bills and groceries that he got used to it. He would even ask me money from me for him to Bet.
That if I refused he would get mad at me. So I sometimes would give him.
On top of all this he would mistreat me, beat me up over small issues, he recently apologised for all this and I forgave him
But recently he wants me to be paying him if he offers any kind of service, like if I send him to shop to shop for me, he wants me to pay him.
Kindly tell me what could really be worse than this….I love him
Alex says
I’m in a similar situation my boyfriend of 10 years lost his job during lockdown. My job was essential so I ended up paying for everything now I’m struggling to support him working 50-60 hour weeks and he complains every time he has to lift a finger around the apartment. He beat me when I asked him to leave. He eats all my food and refuses to get a job. I’m trying to save money and leave but I feel hopeless.
KeeKee says
Freak the bullshit! After only two weeks of allowing this so-called man to move in with me, he is gone! I am the better for it. He promised to pay half of the cable bill, and then refused. Say what? He used water for showers, baking since he baked cakes for people, used up electricity, watched the cable, I gave up money to wash clothes, and then some. He makes almost twice what I do in Disability, but he is a selfish, worthless piece of trash and I’ll have none of it, so he had to pck up his crap and leave. Hahaha. He is once again homeless and living in his Hooptie out in the cold. I, on the other hand, get my washer and dryer this week, and a brand new 50″ Smart TV next week. Take that!
Shell says
I’m in the same boat he won’t help out I’m trying to get him to leave he won’t go he calls me names non stop …. I too live on nothing I’ve spoken to him regarding this but everytime i do he kicks off and the names start all over again … help what can I do to get him out ??? I sit in my room away from him now and feel like I don’t live in my own house !
Janis Cain says
I would bring home my big huge new boyfriend wink. Hand my ex boyfriend his bags and 500.00
Have Uber take him to a cheap motel. Change the locks, get a no contact order, stop his mail.
It sounds like he would take it. I have done it.
Dumb mom says
Going through the same. I have 2 daughters of my own and it was never a secret I had kids. When he moved in, he wasn’t happy about the area so we relocated. I got pregnant after a while. Then I started noticing that I was paying for everything while he was getting high. He didn’t do a thing. Not just financially but around the house. I can’t even ask him for a lift since he’s the one who drives. He’s always too tired, or he has no petrol and I have to put petrol on his car. One day he said the reason he didn’t help it’s because I had 2 daughters and it wasn’t fair on him when I came with a bigger package.. So not only I have 2 daughters, I also have to support him, and our kid, alone. I mean… he showers, he eats, uses gas, internet, I do his washing… and! How is that fair on me?!
Fast forward a few years things are bad in between us, he decides to go back to his moms house and chase after his ex who supposedly was the love of his life. A month later he asks to go back because he realised she wasn’t who he thought she was. She had 2 kids who apparently were horrible and one on the racist register at school( I’m mixed so our kid isn’t white) she slept around and was on cocaine. All this according to him. The man said he was going to change, we were his family, he wanted to marry me etc, all that nice talk. Took him back, now fast forward 2 months.. he’s exactly the same! Doesn’t help financially, doesn’t help around the house, very secretive with his phone, doesn’t really care about me. All his money goes to weed, his car and takeaways because he doesn’t eat what I cook (I use veg and he doesn’t like veg).
I’m just on the tipping point of telling him to fuck off. I’m tired, I feel used, I feel old, disrespected, unworthy.. all these things because of one man who doesn’t really care about me. It’s all about him.
One small example. Every weekend we sit down to watch a movie. He will ask what I want to watch. Then he will disregard my choice and choose whatever he wants to watch, which is normally the same thing. EVERY WEEKEND!
Love isn’t enough… I trusted that love was enough to get past these problems and that he loved me enough to change…
It’s all lies I’m feeding myself.
He will never change for me.
He might for his ex. But not for me. He will never respect me, or my kids.
So… I think it’s time to reevaluate my life and choices. For the sake of my family.
Any woman going through the same… my advise to you: he won’t change. After a few years he hasn’t changed? He won’t change. At least not for you. Sorry for saying this.
You’re strong and you must believe in yourself. You are your childrens example. Be great 👍