Do you think debt is a relationship deal breaker?
What would you do in this situation? You’ve been seeing someone for quite some time, you’re madly in love (or perhaps you just really like them), and one day you find out that they have an enormous amount of debt.
Would you call it quits or would you try to work it out?
As talked about in the article Why Is Talking About Money More Taboo Than Sex?, people don’t like to talk about money. In fact, according to a study completed by University College London, people are seven times more likely to talk to a stranger about sex, affairs, and sexually transmitted diseases than their salary.
This made me wonder: Would people really rather talk about anything else, such as STDs, instead of their debt?
I decided to do some research.
And, according to a survey completed by the personal finance company SoFi, people are more likely to admit that they have an STD rather than disclosing the amount of debt they have.
Yep, it’s true!
So, does this mean that debt is a relationship deal breaker?
According to a study completed by CreditCards.com, 48% of males and 57% of females say that debt is a turnoff. And, 54% of males and 70% of females would break up with a partner over secret credit card debt.
According to the same SoFi study mentioned above, approximately 55% of respondents said they wouldn’t dump someone over their debt. However, 39% said that they would dump their partner if they had too much debt.
One shocking finding from this study is that nearly 58% of respondents claimed that they would NOT actually tell their partner about debt until AFTER they were sharing household expenses.
For me, that would lead to even more problems than if debt was just something we talked about early on in the relationship.
Related content:
- How This Couple Paid off $204,971.31 in Debt
- How My Wife and I Paid Off $62,000 in Debt in 7 Months
- How We Paid Off Almost $10,000 in 10 Weeks
- How I Paid Off $40,000 In Student Loans in 7 Months
The average person has a lot of debt – in fact, the average U.S. household has over $10,000 in credit card debt alone. Between high mortgages, disastrous credit card bills, student loans, car payments, all the way to loans for furniture and electronics, there is just too much debt.
However, some people have much more debt than others.
From the statistics I’ve shown, it seems like for many, debt can be a relationship deal breaker. So, at what point do you tell the person you’re dating that you have debt? And, at what point is there just too much debt for a relationship to handle?
Today’s article is a short one because I want to hear from you and see what all of you think.
Let’s start a discussion in the comments. Would you start a relationship with someone knowing they had a lot of debt? On the flip side, what if you found out that someone you were already married or committed to had a lot of debt?
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giulia says
Honestly I think that be honest about finance and debt is necessary from the beginning…
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Being honest is always important.
Karalyn says
I absolutely agree. My girlfriend and I are preparing to move in together and we both have debt. She has under 5K in personal debt, and I have a whopping $38K in student loans. This wasn’t a dealbreaker for either of us, but we were both very honest from the very start.
It’s the idea of lying about/evading your debt that would be the dealbreaker for me. Otherwise, if you’ve got love and a plan, you’ll make it work!
MyMoneyDesign says
Ohhh… this is tough one. I think it would depend upon the circumstances and attitude towards the debt. For example: If the person I’m interested in had a bunch of debt because they went to medical school be a doctor, that would be a lot different than someone who racked up $100K in credit cards at the mall. But more importantly, if the person had no plan to pay it off, no regrets about the mess they’ve created, or no willingness to change their ways / get back on track, that would be a definite deal breaker.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Yes, I agree – it depends on what the plan is.
Teresa says
Totally agree! 🙂
MWM @MyWealthManifesto says
I might give pause depending on how much. I’d read and heard personally of horror stories of getting together and someone ruining their credit or just having strain on a relationship.
Sometimes bad credit shows someone came on bad times, other times it shows a pattern of bad spending habits. If the spouse with good spending habits doesn’t end up being entirely in control of the household finances it can be an issue.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Yes, a pause is something I’d do as well 🙂
Mustard Seed Money says
Honestly it probably would be a deal breaker for me. As much as I cared about the person I would have a hard time dealing with someone that had a ton of debt that I would be responsible to pay for, especially if there was no plan in place on how to pay for it. It’s one thing if there is a plan and a timeline on how it’s going to get paid, it’s another if the person was careless and expected someone to take on the debt in order to satisfy their debts.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Yes, a plan is important.
LIsa says
That’s an interesting perspective on debt in relationships. I’ve never thought about bringing it up as a question. Eventually, as I get more serious in a relationship, is how I end up finding out. But, I do find if someone has a large amount of debt to be telling. It’s one thing if it’s student loan debt, even in high amounts, but it’s another thing entirely if we’re talking a mix of high credit card debt, student loans, car payments, etc. It signals to me that this person is okay putting themselves in a tornado of financial destruction, from which they may never be independent of. My ex-boyfriend was like that; he worked at a very high paying job, but most of his money went towards paying off debt. One day, I showed him the math of how much extra money he could have in his pocket every month if he were just to pay them off vs. paying the minimum payment and he says to me, “I never thought of it that way before.” Did he do just that? No. He ended up filing for bankruptcy a year after I broke up with him.
So, would I start a relationship with someone knowing they had a lot of debt? That’s a tough question because, on one hand, I’d have to say yes. Because if they’re financially irresponsible, then, I wonder, where else do they lack in responsibility in their lives? On the other hand, things aren’t always as they seem. During the financial crisis, I had a very difficult time finding a job so I could pay my bills. And using maxing out my credit cards meant being able to eat as well as pay rent and other bills. Eventually, things worked out. But credit card companies were not as willing to work with people during unemployment like they are today.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Thanks for sharing Lisa 🙂
Dave @ Run The Money says
Well, my wife loves to tell people that she wouldn’t marry me until my student loans were paid off! So, her answer is clear!
If I were dating again or in a committed relationship and found out the person had a ton of debt or was hiding it, yeah that would definitely be a problem. We know people who told their significant other about their thousands of dollars of school loans … AFTER the wedding! Yikes!
Great topic for conversation. I’m anxious to see what people say here and in your FB group, Michelle.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
I’m guessing your wife gave you good motivation? 🙂
Ms. Frugal Asian Finance says
Very interesting question! I wouldn’t break up with someone over a huge debt if they came clean about it early on in the relationship and are determined to pay it off.
It also matters what kind of debt if is. A debt from gambling is totally different from a debt from med school. I would definitely say no to the former, not the latter.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Yes, definitely!
Josh says
Love overlooks many faults (and we all have them), but, it would be a dealbreaker for me if we didn’t agree on purchases. It might be tough to detect spending habits during dating, but, that’s why it’s so important to talk about loans and debt before you get serious or married.
Thankfully, my wife & I are on the same wavelength with spending money. So we weren’t put in this tough situation.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Yes, I agree!
Mike Collins says
Interesting topic! I don’t know if I’d actually break up with someone just because they had debt. MyMoneyDesign makes a great point above about the reason for and attitude about the debt. If they have hefty student loans or they got into debt due to something unexpected like medical expenses and they are working to remedy the situation I’d have a hard time holding it against them.
But if they are deep in debt due to gambling or other addictions and they didn’t take the situation seriously and acted like it was no big deal, that would definitely be a deal breaker. So as with most things in life, I guess the answer is “It depends” haha
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Yeah, gambling would be a deal breaker.
Amanda says
Isn’t the problem the secrecy behind it? And that comes from shame. And shame is mostly useless. Who is debt really hurting? I mean, of course it is hurting the person carrying it, but only because we’ve (our culture) has created this story around debt as something shameful (unless you are using it to make more money – then it is celebrated.)
Honestly, I don’t believe in deal breakers. If you like the person and what to give it a shot, then the debt is just something to navigate. If you don’t, it’s just an excuse. There’s this great Carrie Fisher quote: “If you love someone, then everything is a negotiation. If you don’t, then everything is a door.”
Debt would not be a door for me, but hiding it or accumulating it in secret would make me pause and reconsider the way a person is considering me.
Michelle says
I really like your take on this, Amanda. I totally agree that the secrecy in this situation is a far bigger problem than the debt. And that we’ve made people so ashamed of their debt that they’d rather hide it than get help with it.
I think the personal finance conversation should be had by every getting-serious couple. Even if you don’t have debt, you open the lines of communication to give you partner a chance to talk about it. We can’t play this don’t-ask-don’t-tell game. Get asking!
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Yes, the secrecy, for sure!
Mrs. Adventure Rich says
I think it depends on a lot of things, but ultimately, I think a decision about a relationship with someone in debt boils down to the person’s attitude towards debt.
If they are a-okay with being in debt and piling up more as they go along… no thank you.
If they are neutral and open to talking about money and solving a debt problem… lets talk.
If they are committed to getting out of debt and being financially wise… good to go!
My husband and I both had debt when we met. Him = Credit Card + Student Loans. Me = Student Loans + Car Loan. We talked about it, made a plan and started chipping away before we were even engaged. Within the first 15 months of marriage, we paid off over $40,000 of debt (not including what we had paid before our wedding day!). Debt was a great motivator and ended up being a useful teaching tool that led us on our path to financial independence and a frugal lifestyle.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Yeah, no thank you to that for me as well!
Lindsay says
I agree with what many people have already said. The type of debt totally matters. For me, I currently have around $70,000 in student debt. This is a number I don’t feel any shame over because it was a choice I made to get the degree I wanted. Plus, I only graduated two months ago and I’ve been figuring out a plan to pay it down for four years now. If I were dating someone and they were in a similar situation as me, I wouldn’t judge them (mostly because I would hope no one would judge me haha). I would, however, have a problem with someone swimming in student debt with no plan or ambition to get out of it.
I think the problem with debts in relationships isn’t so much the debt itself, but what the debt can hint about a person. In my eyes, at my age, someone who is needlessly racking up thousands in credit card debt is probably not as responsible as what I look for in relationships, nor are they thinking long-term. Those are things that matter more than the numbers themselves.
I guess the long story short is that both the type of debt and someone’s drive to reduce that debt are both important factors in debt’s affect on relationships.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Yes, I agree!
Chonce says
58% is a huge percentage of people. I feel like honesty is SO important in a case like this. Not saying that debt would be a deal breaker (my husband and I both had debt before marriage) but if you’re keeping that a secret, it makes me wonder if you will keep anything else from me.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
I agree!
Natalie says
Tyler is dating me, and I have debt! Thankfully, though, I bring a lot to the table financially. I know how to create a financial plan for us, and he doesn’t know anything about personal finance. So, we’ve decided as soon as we’re engaged, we’re moving in together and will spend two years paying off my debt and saving for a down payment on a house. It’s brought us together to talk about this and have a shared goal. We are totally on the same page with money and that is more important than if one person has debt.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
You two are a great example that debt isn’t always bad 🙂 Great job on having a plan!
Mrs. Groovy says
I agree with Mrs. Frugal Asian Finance. If a person has debt but is working towards paying it off I don’t think that’s a deal breaker. But if the debt is from bad habits, and the person has no intention of changing habits, I wouldn’t want to get more seriously involved.
The worst thing would be to hide the debt. That’s like begging a partner not to trust you. But trust works both ways — if you have debt and you’re willing to work on it — wouldn’t you want to know where a potential partner stands on the matter? If he or she is not willing to help you work though the difficulty, what kind of partner would he or she make? What other troubles down the road would he or she walk away from?
Brian Reimer says
I just got dumbed from a 4 month relationship. I have a mixed bag of debt totalling 20000 dollars.. We were going to move in together in January.. It is at her down and told her I have debt.. I need to sell my truck and pay off some of the debt.. She was receptive at first but 24 hours later she changed her mind.. She felt I should have told her sooner. I felt that if you loved me..we could work it out.. I never lied to her about how much I made or how much debt I had when in the relationship. Ever
Grant @ Life Prep Couple says
I was worried about a lot of things when we got married but debt was not one of them. I mean, I am a fantastic catch and all but I can only be so picky.
We live in a debt society were it seems everyone has some form of credit card, student loan or car payments. I couldn’t just write off the majority of potential partners because of debt. My wife had about 30K in debt but was really just ignorant to the fact that it was a bad thing. A little education and she started working a debt snowball.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Now, what if the debt was something from gambling or they didn’t tell you about $XXXXX amount of debt until after you were married?
Mrs. Picky Pincher says
Good question! I do know that, for some people, debt is a deal-breaker. I see that feeling more in young people who managed to avoid debt in the first place. I had some debt myself and married Mr. Picky Pincher, who had nearly double my debts when we got married. It wasn’t a deal-breaker because we knew it was the absolute right match. It was just an extra challenge we had to face together that would test our commitment to each other.
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Thanks!
Lily He-Prudhomme says
If I was doing OK finance wise and they’re desire is to dig out – yes I would definitely overlook the debt. I think a shot at love is more important. It also matters what that debt is. If it’s school debt then that’s an investment.
If they’re not trying to dig out or even fess up to the amount (which happened to an ex of mine) then I would head for the hills (and I did!!! :P)
Thanks for opening up this discussion Michelle!!
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Thanks!
Crista Jorgensen says
Great article, Michelle. You pose an important question that is uniquely personal to each couple. I think it all boils down to being completely honest with your partner – especially about debt and finances. Since financial issues, and the stress that follows, are a huge cause of divorce – I think you need to be an open book about your debt and not carry that burden alone. There is no shame in admitting where you stand financially and working with your partner to dig yourself out of a hole. I don’t think debt should be a deal breaker if you are in love, but rather should be viewed as an opportunity to work together and get out of debt in order to achieve financial freedom. Thanks,
Crista
Michelle Schroeder-Gardner says
Yes, I agree!
Lauren says
I made a rule when I was younger that I would not marry someone with debt (because I worked my butt off to pay off mine). I would be emotionally supportive and we would just hold off marriage until the debts were cleared. That’s theory. In reality, I probably would marry someone with debt. My husband is the love of my life, and I am so happy to be married to him! (He didn’t have debt, but that wasn’t the reason for marrying him.)
Sarah says
No, I wouldn’t knowingly begin a relationship with someone who had ‘significant’ debt, with the caveat that the number will differ for everyone but it must be an amount that I could live with. I have honestly advised my daughter to exercise prudence in this area and be mindful of the same. For me, it isn’t merely an issue of debt but their relationship to money as a whole coupled with lifestyle choices. Compatibility is key.
On the other hand, I would not be surprised if someone elected not to reveal the details of their debt since few tell everything before the “yes” has been secured. But in all instances its incumbent upon me to exercise due diligence and know what I’m getting myself into or signing on for (in the case of marriage) before the matter is settled.
Bradley says
Such a tricky topic, as every situation is different. Like most, I believe if the amount of debt and attitude towards it signaled financial irresponsibility, it probably wouldn’t work for me. My wife had no debt, but I had plenty of consumer debt (mostly vehicles … yes, plural). She didn’t hold it against me though, as I was focusing on investing instead of debt reduction. And of course she knew about it before we were married … keeping secrets like this would probably be a deal breaker for me too!
Laurie Lee says
At my age, being divorced for 10 years and having paid off all debt except a small car loan, I don’t want the insecurity of debt hanging over my head if I were to make a commitment to someone. I paid my debt off! If someone has a car loan, maybe a small credit card, that’s one thing…or a reasonable mortgage that they are able to easily make regular on-time payments on, that’s one thing…but other types of loan/credit cards…forget it. I’ve worked long and hard to get to where I am now, and there is nothing that feels as secure as not having debt. So, dating someone is one thing, but don’t walk me down the aisle if you aren’t financially responsible.
Vicki Dunbar says
Being in debt is not bad. But if they did not have a plan or had bad money habits, that would be a deal breaker, because that is what happened to me. I was the one that had bad money habits. I really did not have a solid plan to get rid of my debt. The combination of the two were deal breakers for them. And my heart got broken. So, my debt has cost me much more than just money.
No Nonsense Landlord says
I have dated both types. Women that were in debt and had bad credit, and ones with great credit.
It may not be a deal breaker, but they did not share my bank accounts either. A shared bank account with a poor credit person probably means a drained bank account.
I heard this AM on the Kelly show that a newlywed couple’s husband lost $100K gambling. That might put a damper in things…
Shey says
Has to do with your age and experience. I think younger people think they have time to pay it off, so it’s not a big deal. Whereas older people are more realistic.
I would not be with someone whose money values were so different from my own. There has to be something more basic to the personality that makes us incompatible and the debt is just proof of it.
Lisa Meilen says
Michelle – critical topic! I still have some debt – debt that I re-created after leaving a business with an (ex) partner. One of the bones of contention in the relationship? That I had no money to invest -as a matter of fact, I came into the relationship with about 6,000 dollars debt. We built a business together. I invested my heart and soul, he invested money. When we finally realised and accepted that we had two entirely different concepts for living, one of us had to leave the business. He made it very clear that it would be me, not him. This was when it got nasty. I was not smart in the beginning, because he made fun of me wanting to involve a lawyer in the contract. So I just let him and our other partner pencil the contract for me. I was unsavvy about money. Why? Because I have a family history of great financial loss (1920s). It has stuck with our mentality. So we feel self righteous and a bit snobby but we have had nothing (since then). I really grew up on the martyr/victim mentality. Although my mother always bragged about having a huge limit on her credit cards, she used them wisely. Hearing this as a kid, I thought that having credit cards was a prestige factor. Little did I know. I never learned to manage money well, and quite frankly it still baffles me. I feel like I really know nothing about it. But I do know that I would never embark on a new relationship without clarity about my debt or his and also, without being clear of debt. It is a HUGE issue and should definitely be written about. These ‘secrets’ are so shameful and fester like really gangrenous wounds. Major topic.
Justin @ Atypical Life says
My wife never wanted to talk about money, but I kept bringing it up since I have detailed our finances and mine since after college. When we first started talking about money, she would get all defensive, but eventually, she came around to talking about money. Today, it is not a huge deal to talk about money.
I got into the relationship and married her knowing she had $20,000 of student loan debt to pay off. It was gone along with my $30,000 9 months after we were married.
I guess if you love them, it doesn’t really matter as long as they are willing to open up and talk about it.
Alexander @ Cash Flow Diaries says
When I first met my wife she had about $16k worth of debt. Over the years I taught her everything I know about finances and debt management. Utilizing the strategy I taught her, she was able to get rid of all her debt in less then 2 years.
After that is when I married her!! 😉
Adriana @MoneyJourney says
Both my boyfriend and I were in debt when we met and that didn’t stop us from still being a happy couple a decade later.
We were honest right from the start, especially because we moved in together rather quickly and had to handle finances like a married couple!
We managed to budget and become debt free and we both agree debt sucks. Period 😀
Luckily, money problems were never an issue for us. Sure, we do quarrel about small stuff (still do even after all this time), but it’s never anything serious.
Sarah (Smile & Conquer) says
I think it’s important to have at least a brief discussion about your finances as soon as things take a turn for the serious. I’m currently in a relationship that started when we were both in our early twenties and still pretty clueless about money. My bf had a few marks on his credit history but no outstanding debt, and we had time on our side (ie. we weren’t jumping into buying a home in the next couple of years).
Honestly, I think the closer you are to wanting to settle down and get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. the more of an issue this would be. If I had to find a new partner at this point in my life (now early thirties), getting involved with someone who had a lot of debt would likely be a dealbreaker.
Adine @ Average To Awesome says
I’m not really sure, to be honest. I would hate the idea of letting my ‘dream man’ go because of debts, on the other hand; he wouldn’t really be my dream guy if he was up to his eyeballs in debt, I think. Telling me from the beginning would definately be a dealbreaker, and lying about it until later would be unforgivable, especially if that means that I unknowingly would have become responsible for his debt.
I wouldn’t want to pay off his debt (been there, done that, got the T-shirt, not to be repeated), but if your significant other is in debt, it automatically influences your life. There are things that you might want to do, but don’t have the funds for, you might feel you have to pay for the other person.
And it’s not that I wouldn’t want to do that, but I would prefer an equal relationship, especially on the money front.
Fortunately, my bf doesn’t have any debts and doesn’t like to be in debt, so we’re a great match when it comes to that.
Katie@MySweetHomeLife says
When my husband and I met, he had a LOT of debt. So much so, he could barely make ends meet, especially as he’d just been made redundant. Most of this was debt from his first marriage. His wife left the country with a tonne of shared debt. He never saw a lawyer and ended up taking it all on himself. However he refused to go bankrupt and just did it tough. Sometimes he’s too much of a nice guy! I never let that turn me off, in fact later I helped him pay it off because at the end of the day it affected us both. We’ve been together almost six years and he’s the love of my life. Lucky I didn’t let something material get in the way of a great relationship.
Scottsdale Web Design says
First of all, a relationship is based on trust and loyalty. Talking about debts, anyone could have them, but the reason for debts should be good enough. It is not wrong to think about breaking up if the partner is under debt because that could cause a problem to you. Somehow, if the debt is an educational loan or housing loan, then being a mature person, you must help your partner with the debt payment. Nonetheless, it depends on the understanding of two people and their strength of the relationship whether debt could be a deal breaker or not.
DNN says
I certainly think and feel Michelle that relationship debt is definitely a relationship dealbreaker. Most men that have profiles on online dating sites receive pre-qualifying gaining questions from women. What do I mean by that? In most cases nowadays, if a man is interested in a woman and she achieved higher education such as an MBA – Masters degree or even a Ph.D post honorary doctorate, before the woman on most dating sites even asks the man his name, she’ll ask him a prequalifying dating site such as “what field of work are you in.” Or other prequalifying questions such as “do you live in an apartment or a house?” I feel those prequalifying dating questions allows most women to gauge how much money a man has and what his alleged “debt” is before getting to the other question such as the “do you drive a four cylinder or six cylinder or perhaps a V12 turbo automobile?” Thoughts surfacing from most women’s minds in asking qualifying questions determine if the man is worth being with if a financial situation arises.
I feel and believe most men are judged by women based on their level of education, strength of finances, what kind of car they drive, and how much money they have on a in regards to saving for retirement. In the back of most men’s minds, they want a female who they believe will not judge them according to their current status and still want them if by chance if they fall down in life and end up “down and out.” Same thing with women when men look at them. Reason being is because we never know what a person will “female or male” amount to later down the road, as perception and judgment of a person made now in the moment of instant gratification may cause the one judged the other to lose out completely out on the relationship opportunity later when “they see that person doing good without them.” Finances always plays a heavy role and current financial status in the relationship decision making progress in my personal opinion. And yes, I do believe one would dump their partner if they found out the other had too much debt. I do believe that because if they were to get married, yet would most likely affect status of the marriage. But if you truly love someone, you’ll work out satisfying the debt and moving on with the marriage “of course after a heavy discussion about finances.”
As Guilia said in the blog comments section, it’s wise that a person is honest about their finances and debts if the conversation arises and let it be known in the beginning, so flaws about the person are out in the open before delving deeper into the relationship. This way, no one feels misled or secrets held from them. In my personal opinion, if I’m truly am in love and want to marry regardless of the debt, I will personally look past the debt and see what I can do to help get the debt erased. If we get married, we are a team and should work through our problems together. Somewhere in everyone’s lives there’s going to be financial problems. There’s no way around it. That can consist of an unexpected bill, an inflated hospital charge from surgery or something medically related that results in a high medical bill, the bank out outrageously inflating a mortgage, and so on. If you truly love someone you’re not going to drop them because of debt-bottom line. If someone drops you early in the relationship because of money, chances are they’re just with you to see how much money she or he can get out of you. It’s best that the relationship dumping happens early before too many feelings settle in.
DNN says
A relationship deal breaker in my opinion is when your former employer conspires to have you wrongfully terminated because you take a stand against them for mistreating you in front of other employees and not giving you a rightful due pay raise after making the company over $170k in sales. When your employer wrongfully terminates you because they have a personal vendetta against you, that to me is a relationship deal breaker. Little do they know that they indirectly made you a future “side hustle millionaire.” While it may affect feelings in the moment to be “wrongfully terminated,” it increases the drive to prosper in humility and be thankful to your former H.R. generalist, former employer, and former co-workers who conspired in secrecy to have you fired. Who laughs last gets the best laugh! 🙂
becca says
I guess it depends. I have credit card debt, a car payment AND 43k in student loans. However I have 71k in my 401k (my company has a generous company match) This being said I plan on finishing off my credit card debt in Feb. Taking car of my car loan by next year and then focusing on my student loans. I get a generous bonuses every year from my employer and I decided that from now on bonuses go to debt. However I am going to take 1k of my bonus and put it towards emergency fund. I wish I took care of my student loan awhile ago, but it is what it is. I am trying now to be more responsible, I hope it counts.
Cass says
I don’t mean to stir the pot here, but for those who would break up with someone over debt, are you aware that she marrying a person you don’t assume responsibility for your SOs debt? It doesn’t impact you at all. Not that this is a great way to approach the situation but the idea that you will take on your SOs debt is inaccuarate (at least in California).
I can see how it would influence your view on whether or not that person can make good finance decisions, but for a lot of people in debt they just don’t have the education to do so. My parents are first generation Americans and were not raised in households that encouraged budgeting, saving, and retirement. We all learned the hard way so before you kick your SO to the curb, ask questions, create a safe space for them to talk about it (as it is a very shameful topic), and then move forward from there with a game plan. You will see whether or not they can form some good habits or change his or her lifestyle, and then if they don’t, you can go on your merry way. That’s what love is…communication and understanding.
Rob says
That’s a tricky one that I’m still trying to sort out. Often times there seems to be a mindset that we absolutely HAVE to be in debt in order to accomplish one thing or another such as buying a home, going to college, remodeling a home, to take advantage of 20% discounts at clothing stores with a credit card or to respond to unexpected emergencies such as vehicle repairs. When I was married, I went to work in the oilfied as a roughneck to improve financial quality of life for the family and to get out of debt. It’s a boom and bust industry so after 5 1/2 years of that boom, our quality of life had improved but our debt increased as well. 1 1/2 years laid off, working for $9/hr cooking in a restaurant, learning from successful friends, reading books such as “The Total Money Makeover” by Dave Ramsey and coming up with a plan. My wife at the time and I were communicating about our financial predicament, solutions to resolve it, a plan forward and I was pretty sure we were on the same page. Went back to the oilfield as a field engineer for 5 1/2 years knowing that layoffs were likely eminent and averaged $120k – $150k/year. Paid off all debt, refinanced house for 3% lower interest rate (without rolling any debt whatsoever into the loan), invested into 401k only up to what employer would match, invested 10% into mutual funds for liquid assets which on average for me yielded 20% returns and put money into savings account to pay for things like emergencies, school clothes each year, insurance and other known regular expected expenses that were not necessarily monthly but instead annual. Had to get the roof replaced during that time and instead of a loan, withdrew $9,000 cash to pay for it. It was a track for financial freedom and retirement, however… That career required long periods of time away from home. A lot of things happened at once towards the end of that 2nd 5 1/2 year boom including 3 rounds of layoffs which I was lucky enough to stay employed through, my wife having an affair and divorce. I was laid off while going through divorce. Over $200k in marital assets in which she got 3/4 of, $1,100/month child support for 1 child, $1,500/month alimony (all this while I was laid off), plus about 12 credit cards of hers discovered during divorce in which I was 50% liable for due to it being considered marital debt. There was no debt in my name by the time divorce started, only in her name. It should be noted that while these financial feats were accomplished during that 2nd boom, we did not live impoverished during that time by any means. So now here I am at 40 years old, divorced, in debt, making $14.80/hour and trying to figure out how to properly move forward. It almost seems as though while I had our financial future in consideration, she was only concerned about her own financial future. So from my personal experience, finance and romance did not blend well at all because we were not on the same page with a lot of things. With adultry and divorce so common in this day and age, how can a person reasonably expect to have a lifelong partership with someone in which lifelong plans with eachother are made including financial consideration and well being for the future?