Hello! I have a great post from a blogging friend of mine. Lindsay VanSomeren lives in Fort Collins, Colorado with a house full of pets including a dog, two cats, and a husband. She’s currently on a journey to pay back over $80,000 of debt while still enjoying life as a freelance writer, biological science technician, and personal finance blogger at The Notorious D.E.B.T.. When she does have free time, she enjoys learning languages, brushing up on history, knitting, gardening, and otherwise enjoying the great outdoors. Below is Lindsay’s guest post:
Everyone’s got one of those friends—you know, the ones who spend money like they’re on a wild Vegas trip right after payday, only to be completely broke and living off Ramen noodles until the next paycheck comes in.
I know, because I used to be that person.
Over time, though, I learned to manage my money better. Now, one of my biggest struggles is what to do about friends and family who could also clearly benefit from better financial management. What’s the best way to help them? Should I even try? How do I not come off as an annoying know-it-all? How do I not sound like a parent lecturing their kids?
These are some of the tough questions that keep me up at night (why do Americans love football so much? is another one). If you struggle with these issue as well, I’ve got some tips for you.
How I Learned To Manage My Money Better
For my entire adult life until just recently, I always thought that as long as I kept the balance in my checking account around $3,000 I was doing fine. If I had more, I spent it. If I didn’t, I stopped spending. Forget about savings, retirement, and investment accounts.
Besides, I had plenty of excuses. I would make more at my next job, or I’d get a raise at some point. I was just a student, so I thought once I graduated my income would go up to match.
Surprise—it didn’t. In fact, on a per-hour basis, I was making more money in grad school than I’ve ever made at any of my day jobs since graduating two years ago. I expected things to get better, but they only got worse: I made less money, and now I had a $380 monthly student loan payment to boot.
Things were sinking fast. I’d always been bad with money, but now the situation was dire. So, to cope, I did what I do best: I researched the crap out of it. I read books and listened to hours and hours of personal-finance-related podcasts.
Slowly, over time, my financial management skills got better. I won’t say it’s all roses and strawberries now, but if I hadn’t taken action, I strongly believe I probably would have had to declare bankruptcy by now.
Learning how to actually manage my money so I’m not always broke has been incredibly empowering for me. What I once believed were pipe dreams that I could never afford suddenly seemed possible (with a bit of work, admittedly, but still…).
I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, write about it on the Internet, and tell all my friends. I wanted to shake them desperately and say, “Look! We don’t have to be broke! We can do fun things too! We just have to stop buying so much takeout!” Obviously, I never actually did this, because I’m not writing this from inside an insane asylum (but I wanted to).
It’s something I’ve struggled with constantly since learning about managing personal finances. I want to help my friends, but at the same time I don’t want to seem overbearing.
After several trial-and-error adventures (sorry, nameless friends!), I’ve learned a few things about how to deal with these types of friends. Hopefully they can help you as well.
Step One: Do they actually care?
The first step if you want to help your friends out with your amazing knowledge is to discern whether or not they actually care. There are two possible outcomes to this scenario:
In the first scenario, your friend just doesn’t care. If so, you don’t want to push it on them. They might resent you for it, or even consider you rude. It would sort of be like suggesting to an overweight coworker at an office party that maybe they should go for the carrot sticks on the veggie tray rather than the cake slices. It just lacks tact and finesse.
Instead, this person needs something you can’t provide: a personal, driving motivation to do something different. Maybe they still need to hit rock bottom before they realize the err of their ways. Many of us (myself included) needed that kick in the pants to get going. Maybe they’ll never develop a motivation to change. In any case, the only thing you can do here is just to hold your tongue and be thankful you yourself have seen the light.
In the second scenario, your friend is interested in changing but just lacks the knowledge about how to do it. This is where you can actually help them.
Determining whether or not your friend is truly interested in learning more about managing their finances can be tricky. You can’t just walk up to someone and say, “Hey, Bob—do you give a flying hoot about your money?” No one in their right mind would say no.
Instead, use your own intuition to see if they’re open to learning more. You can drop subtle hints, like small things that have worked really well for you. For example, when a friend complained of not being able to afford an auto insurance bill coming up, I told her about how that used to suck for us too—until I started tucking away a small amount each month so that when the bill came due, I already had the amount in full, waiting to be spent.
Step Two: What’s the best way to help them?
If your friend is interested in learning more about how to manage their finances, there are a few ways you can help them. The most important thing is to not brain-dump all your information in one fell swoop or appear too gung-ho about it: it’s easy to be overwhelmed as a newbie, and they’re not as obsessed with this stuff as you. Always keep this in mind. If they stop being receptive, then stop. It’s not worth losing your friendship over.
Wax On, Wax Off
Just like Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid, the first thing you have to provide your friend with is knowledge.
If you want, you can offer to sit them down and show them how you do things—but again, be prepared: to a newbie, this will probably be overwhelming. Remember, you didn’t learn this all overnight yourself. Showing someone else what you do might be a great, real-world lesson, but don’t unleash all your knowledge at once. Take it step-by-step, as financial issues come up or as they want to learn more.
Also, I’d think twice about opening your books to a friend if you make a lot of money. Safety aside, sometimes people can get weird when they find out how much you really make, especially if they make a lot less. It’s probable one of the main reasons a lot of the early (and high-earning) bloggers went anonymous—so people in their everyday life wouldn’t treat them differently.
Instead, one of the best ways to help a friend is to help them find help on their own terms. There are many, many sources of financial information out there, such as:
- Blogs
- Software
- Podcasts
- Books
- Radio programs
- YouTube
- Online and in-person courses
In addition to these resources, there are even just as many voices that your friend can resonate with. Do they have a credit card habit? Are they religious? Consider telling them about Dave Ramsey. Do they like heavy metal, and beer (*raises hand*)? Think about the Listen Money Matters podcast. Are they looking for some awesome inspiration? Try the So Money podcast by Farnoosh Torabi.
No matter what their tastes and preferences are, there is someone out there to speak to them. I’ve even had good luck posting about friends in personal finance groups on Facebook (anonymously, of course) and seeing if anyone has any good leads about who might best be able to help them.
Finding Accountability
Learning the skills is one half of the puzzle; the other is actually implementing the strategies. Just like with any other skill, you can theoretically know how to do something, but it takes time and practice to be any good at it. This is probably why I still play guitar like a two-year-old.
I’m not suggesting that you hold regular check-ins with your friend, but if that’s what they want, then that would work too. Instead, steer them to groups that they might feel comfortable assimilating into.
There are a plethora of groups out there to help hold people accountable. They can be informal groups where your friend can stand back and watch what’s happening until they feel comfortable participating, or formal Money Mastermind groups where small groups of people with similar challenges collectively discuss each person’s situation and choices.
Groups and communities can easily be found on Facebook, and through many blogs and podcasts. Some are paid, and some are free.
If your friend becomes excessively motivated by money topics, you can also suggest they start a personal finance blog. Personal accountability is one of the many reasons people start personal finance blogs, myself included.
Final Thoughts
No matter what your relationship is like with your friend or how bad (or good) their financial management skills are, always remember one thing: their financial wellness is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to be their friend; if you can share your financial knowledge, it’s just a bonus.
I like to think of it like this: if my friend was having vehicle problems, I would be more than willing to help, given two considerations. First, my friend needs to be accepting of help. Sometimes, people don’t want help. Maybe they are an amateur mechanic, or they just don’t give care about their car. Second, I need to be able and willing to help. If I have car knowledge, or a truck with a tow strap, I can offer to help them fix it or take them someplace that can.
If I offer help to my friend and they accept, then great! But at the end of the day, it’s not my responsibility to get my friend back up and driving again. I can only offer assistance.
Now, go forth and help your friends (but only if they want help, and do it in a non-annoying way)!
What do you do about non-financially-minded friends? Or, do you think doing nothing is better? Share in the comments!
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Lloyd Phillips says
I agree with your conclusion. Your friends finances are not your responsibility. I would never consider stepping in on my friends with an opinion on how they should manage their finances unless asked. Still, perhaps I’d probably point out my own personal benefits of learning to manage my money better and the effects it has had on my pocket and my stress levels.
David @ Thinking Thrifty says
I have been in this predicament myself on so many occasions. I used to try gentle nudges in the right direction, but it usually fell on deaf ears. Then, just like you, I made my blog to keep me accountable for my saving, when people saw the change in my attitude towards finance I ended up being the go-to guy for advice. They don;t always take it, or follow it to the letter, but it’s certainly an improvement that they would even consider seeking the help. Loved reading this, great post!
Gurki Bhamber says
I always try to get a hint of some sort from my friends if they are indeed looking for any financial advice. If they do, how much? Sometimes people do not appreciate if you start suggesting things without them asking for it. So, let them start the convo and you take it from there. Great post!
Dividends Down Under says
Sadly a lot of people who are receptive to financial change are taking control/interested in it already. The ones who need the most help are often the most “unhelpable” (sorry for my made up word haha).
If I find myself in a financial conversation I will ask them “have you thought about doing X” and then like you said, give them a few online resources to look at – I feel like it gets into tricky territory if I’m giving them the financial tips/advice directly – if it all goes terribly wrong the friend can then blame me for their downfall (or lack of financial growth) and that could lead to some uncomfortable relationships.. We haven’t told anyone in our life about our blog either for this reason, though if they stumbled across it I’d actually feel quite proud – it would mean they are taking control of their finances and looking around for ways to do it!
Jasmin
Ashli @ The Million Dollar Mama says
Unless someone asks me, I would never assume they want my input on something like their personal finances. However, I love talking about the topic, and if someone brought it up, I would happily offer my advice!
Beth says
This post hit home for me. My brother is not great with his money and it is something that really concerns me. I would love to help him but I don’t think he is interested in making any real changes. And I am definitely not the type of person to initiate this concern, especially if I don’t think it is worth the tough conversation.
This is a tough one.
Lila says
I just tell them about Dave Ramsey and a couple of popular websites, if they give me the brush off then I don’t mention it again. There’s not much you can do if they’re not willing to give PF a chance. People don’t understand that it’s through PF they will find the freedom they are seeking.
cece says
I’ve found that people will not change until they are ready. That’s with anything. Money or relationships etc. You can try and give them some advice and relay what works for you, but ultimately if they continue to be a financial train wreck there is nothing else you can do.
Laura @ Savvy Family Finance says
Been there 🙂 The strategy I use now is if they bring up something money related in conversation I’ll ask a question or two like “do you know how you’re going to deal with that?” and their response will indicate whether they want advice or not. Sometimes I then give abbreviated advice or point them to resources if answer indicates they want help/advice.
Lindsay @ The Notorious D.E.B.T. says
That’s a great way to phrase it! I always struggle with the wording.
montanahappy.com says
I feel like the solution is to talk less, shine more. When you change your life, others take notice. That’s when they will naturally want to know what you have been doing different. Then it’s time to let them know what you’ve been up to.
R says
I try not to give advice if not seek. It’s hard especially for family, but it is a very touchy subject. I try to just be very transparent with my lifestyle. Instead of going out to dinner, I invite friends to go for a walk with a coffee (mine on a to-go cup). Once they start asking is when I start telling my story – not necessarily advice since it might not wok for them. I leave it up to them to decide.
natasha says
i love you blog. i just reading First time but i said no one blog like this.i read every day your blog.now I’m daily read your blog that’s give me a good idea.
The Body Workout says
I actually had an argument with my girlfriend two days ago about money. She is a shopaholic and has cut back a little but she needs to stop shopping period. Anyway, we got into an argument at the Apple store in front of an employee. She stated she got a Black Friday deal and got a $150 gift card. I told her that wasn’t a deal IMO because you had to buy something in order to get a deal. She was like what do you think a deal is? Anyway, she wanted me to look at a new Macbook Pro and I told her I’m not buying a new computer because it is heavy. I will keep my computer as long as it works. I will continue drop hints from time to time about saving and shopping for your needs not your wants.
Vicki@Make Smarter Decisions says
I love this line – their financial wellness is not your responsibility. I think in an effort to help our friends we can often get caught in this and become “fixers” or “counselors” and that can kill a friendship. One thing I’ve been trained on is personal coaching. This is where you can help lead them by asking questions and offering things for them to do, rather than telling them what to do or doing it for them. If you can’t stay in the coaching role, it’s probably best to let someone else work with them on finances.
Eric Bowlin says
A friend of mine deployed overseas with me. We both came home with some serious cash. I investment in real estate and borrowed his money as a private lender. It was great and I paid him a ton of interest.
The next deal came around and he had less money to loan than the first time…and again I paid him a lot of interest on that money.
Then he had even less to lend the third time…
Now, I haven’t even asked because the amount is just getting to be too little to do anything in real estate.
It’s really sad that some people just spend until they reach some threshold, instead of just saving and investing. He could easily have doubled or tripled his money by now.
Amanda-LivingFullyandFree says
I don’t have any close friends who are of the same financial mindset as myself. However, many of them are not in the same financial scenario that I am in. I find that I share my mindset and what I’m doing, but it’s up to them to take the steps to do the same. I wish the best for all of them though.
Amanda
Finance Solver says
This is so great, I love the first step. “If your friend doesn’t want help, bite your tongue. Be thankful that you have seen the light.” The majority of my friends spend like there is no tomorrow (they’re probably sick and tired of the no-income life they’ve lived in college) and I always bite my tongue. No one seems to care about their finances, which is what shocks me.
Great post that goes through step by step on how to deal with spendy friends!
Ms. Montana says
I really struggle when people don’t like where they are at (in lots of debt, struggling to make ends meet), and I know how much better things could be for them, but they don’t actually want to change. It takes a lot of effort to turn things around, and sometimes it just easier to complain. I really love being out of debt. I love having some passive income. I love not having a mortgage. But it doesn’t help if I want it for them more than they do.
Lindsay @ The Notorious D.E.B.T. says
Haha, I know, right?
Lindsey says
Since my sister has had her child, I’ve been trying to help her become a stay at home mom. I’ve tried to help her with everything from couponing to cutting expenses and being less brand picky. Finally I realized that she had to want it bad enough and had to desire the change enough to do it. It was hard to watch her not achieve her goals, but I knew it wasn’t my place.
DNN says
I kinda stay away from people not goal oriented. I used to hang with those kinds of people in my youth and it rubbed off on me. I slacked alot early in life. But today is a different story. I’m so focused cause most can’t financially hold this. And verbally clap back financially faster than the NYC NASDAQ! L 🙂 L
Lindsey says
Here’s your next blog post topic: What to do about family members who make sarcastic comments on your financial planning posts.
I had to deal with THAT! ugh. I am a planner. My husband and I have been debt-free and mortgage-free since we were 25. We are planning for the future. We live frugally. We save and we take money seriously. That’s just how we are.
Often I see people who get jealous of those who “have money.” The fact is, we didn’t plant a money tree; we worked and saved! We didn’t get an inheritance. We can tell you where every dollar came from.
That confuses me about people.