Infidelity of any kind is something no one wants to think about happening. While some may think financial infidelity isn’t that big of a deal or that it would never happen to them, think again!
According to an article on Forbes, 20% of those in the U.S. keep financial secrets and 7% between the ages of 18-49 have a secret bank account or a secret credit card they keep from their partner.
Also, according to a survey taken by the National Endowment for Financial Education, 31% of survey takers admitted lying to their spouses about their finances. These aren't just little lies either, most of the 31% stated that if their spouse found out about their lie that a divorce may be on the horizon.
Whether it’s secret credit card debt, a large secret purchase (such as a house or car even!), or something else, some relationships do experience these problems. I have heard of some finding out that their spouses had hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of debt they didn’t know about, a second house they kept without the spouse knowing, and so on.
The problem with financial infidelity is that it can lead to even bigger financial problems (debt piling up beyond what’s imaginable), stress, unhappiness, it may start impacting other areas in a person’s life (such as work), and it may even lead to divorce.
There are things you can do though if you don’t want financial infidelity in your relationship. Below are some of the things you may want to think about when it comes to financial infidelity.
Note: Don’t confuse this post with separate accounts. How a couple decides to manage their money is up to them and everyone is different. Some do better with joint accounts, whereas others do better with separate accounts. What I am referring to in this post is secret debt, money that is secretly kept from a spouse, and so on.
Recognize the signs of financial infidelity.
There may be a chance you are already a victim of financial infidelity.
Some of the signs include:
- There are no more bills in the mail. This could be a sign that someone is hiding the bills.
- There are calls from debt collectors. These may actually be legitimate calls!
- Your credit cards are being rejected. This could be a sign that someone is overspending without your knowledge.
- Your partner no longer wants to talk about money. This could be a sign that your partner is too afraid to talk about money around you out of fear that you will uncover the truth.
The case for secret accounts?
I’ve heard of many saying they have secret financial accounts because they know their spouse will spend all of the money they have unless some money is kept secret from them. Their spouse may have a gambling addiction, a spending problem, a drug problem, or something else plaguing their life.
While this may sound like a good step to take so that you and your spouse can save more money, it most likely is not. It’s a much better idea to solve financial problems in your relationship than to come up with temporary solutions that may just lead to a bigger disaster.
Finding help for your spouse (such as finding a therapist, support group, etc.) instead of keeping a secret from them is a step that may help you more in the end.
Be open about money.
Regularly communicating about money is an important step for every relationship. Being open about your money situation can help prevent any surprises, it will ensure that both people in a relationship are aware of what’s going on, and so on.
You and your partner should sit down every so often such as once a week, once a month, or whatever timeframe works best for the two of you.
In these money meetings, you should discuss:
- Your financial goals, money values, and more.
- How the two of you are doing financially.
- What changes may need to be made.
- Any financial problems, and so on.
The key here is that both of you are up-to-date on what is going on so that everyone can work towards the family’s financial goals together.
Have spending limits.
Some couples tell each other about every single purchase they make, whether they buy something for $1 or if they buy something for $1,000.
Others only tell their spouse if they reach a certain amount, such as $100.
Whatever you decide, it's a good idea to sit down with your spouse so that you can determine what the best amount for your situation is.
Doing this can help keep the communication lines open in your relationship so there are fewer arguments about money.
Do you think there are situations in which committing financial infidelity may be the better idea? What would you do if you found out your spouse had secret debt or another financial secret?
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I’ll admit to being tempted to squirrel away money secretly to make up for PiC’s being a spender early on, and because it just seemed easier than trying to find a good middle ground, but I soon came to my senses. Thank goodness! It was because I was tired of fighting with my own family and had learned not to trust them anymore when it came to money management and I was about to impose those hard lessons on an entirely different situation.
Good job!
I particularly feel for people who feel the need to hide money from their spouses who spend it all, especially on addictions. I can understand why they do what they do, even though it’s not really a solution.
I cannot imagine living with financial secrecy of the kinds you described. When my husband and I had a lot of credit card debt, we just didn’t talk about it. I managed the finances, paid the bills, etc, and while he knew we had debt, he didn’t know exactly how much. He seemed stressed whenever I brought it up in any way, so I kept it to myself. Eventually, this just became too much of a burden, and I blurted everything out in the middle of a sleepless night. We were able to put together a plan together, and it took a huge weight off of me. It feels so much better to be working toward our goals together now.
Good job Amy! It makes life so much easier.
Great points. Its an interesting topic bc some see the dangers while others can justify it because they truly think they are doing the right thing.
I can’t see a time when financial infidelity would be a good idea – even if it’s “for the good of the family.” Reason being, if the only way to make progress is to hide something, then there are much deeper issues than just money. Even “responsible” financial infidelity is just a bandaid to a much larger wound; or potential wound. Great post!
Thanks Luke!
I can see people having secret separate accounts in the case of addiction or abuse. In general, though, if you feel that you have to keep things from your spouse, you’re going to run into bumps in the road. I do think it’s powerful to sit down and have conversations about money. If either party is uncomfortable, that needs to be addressed right away.
I agree!
I know a lot of people who spend without telling their spouse! All of our money is combined, so there is no real opportunity for that. I prefer to keep it that way.
Same here!
Financial transparency is necessary for us to strategize about our plans to pay off debt and reach early semi-retirement. In the past, I did hide away small amounts of money, but only to buy things like birthday or anniversary presents. I don’t have to do that now, because we don’t spend money on surprise gifts anymore.
Good job Harmony!
Neither my wife nor I have any additional cards that we haven’t signed up for together. Well, I know I don’t and I am confident that she doesn’t because I do the primary management and tracking of our finances, and I think there’d be some sign somewhere if she did.
Our arrangement works great. In fact things are so combined that it gets complicated when she buys me gifts online, because then I’m not allowed to look at the transaction info on the card that she used, which is something I normally do every day.
Haha that’s exactly how me and my husband are! He doesn’t let me look until after I get the present because of that.
Wow, that’s such a scary thought! I’ve never combined my income with someone, so don’t know, but I would expect transparency from the beginning.
Yes, transparency from the beginning is important.
Michelle,
Great post. Being transparent in all aspects of a relationship is essential. People often overlook the financial aspect of things and that’s where they run into many unexpected issues.
I agree!
I wonder how many people who financially “cheat” on their spouse even think it is infidelity? I’ll bet most don’t think of it in the same terms although, in reality, both are deceptive and destroy/violate trust. My wife disclosed her six figures of student loans not too long after we started dating. It was tough to swallow, but if she’d kept it a secret only for me to find out later? I am certain it would’ve ended the relationship.
Yes, they both are very deceptive!
We had the money talk well before taking marriage, so we both knew what to expect and what we were agreeing to.
Since we were both well off prior, we have a prenup and our before money is separate from our after marriage money. So while we know each other’s finances, we can each purchase items from our own money without consulting the other if we feel strongly enough about something. That said, it’s not happened yet, and likely would never come to that.
Marriage and family is about being together and sharing your lives. If you have to hide something important from your family, you’ve already failed and need to stop and reevaluate how you’ve reached your predicament and how you’re going to get back to where you need to be.
Good job!
Wow what an interesting concept, Financial Infidelity. Does my wife taking money from my wallet and forgetting to tell me about it constitute Financial Infidelity? lol. I hate when she does that and I go to pay for something and there isn’t enough cash in my wallet. I will have her read your article.
Haha if you know it’s gone I’m not sure what that would constitute.
I am still waiting for the day my wife discloses her massive net worth to me. 🙂 Any day now I’m sure.
waiting patiently
Andrew
SHM
🙂
Financial Infidelity can be just as destructive as the other kind of infidelity. I know. I lived through it.
My ex was very quick to spend money and it was challenging at times. I was on the threshold of leaving the relationship when he wanted to buy another car (we already had two). Not only did we not need a third car, we’d have to finance it. He bought it anyway…
That’s when I started my secret stash. Up to that point, all our finances were combined. After that, I knew I needed to have emergency funds available, even if I stayed in the relationship.
That money was a life saver when we split.
I’m so sorry Diane that you had to go through that.
I like the idea of spending limits. My husband and I keep our finances separate, for the most part, and contribute enough to cover the household bills only. What we make outside of that we don’t discuss unless we agree to make a big purchase. Although this method currently works for us, it could be considered financial infidelity.
Different things work for different people. I think this is more of just a different way to manage finances.
I would agree about being open about money. My wife I agreed that I would do the bills and send her a report weekly that shows how we are spending towards our budget, here is an example of one:
http://www.WeBeTripping.com/PL.pdf
That way we can both see what we are spending and how we are trending for the month. This really adds transparency to money matters.
Awesome Steve!
I luckily have never experienced financial infidelity. My wife and I have always been able to compromise. However, I’ve seen friends and family go to extremes to hide money and accounts from their spouse. It can really become an ugly thing for a marriage and financial plan.
Yes, it can definitely become ugly.
Agree. i think a couple would must to have honest and clear talks from beginning of thier relation, then if you want to keep secret a little treasure because you are afraid that he/she want to stay with you only for your bank account is another story, while if you have student loan, mortage or other kind of debts is always better talks from beginning….be a lier is tiring!!!
Yes, tiring!
I just wish that this wouldn’t happen to us. As much as possible, I and my wife talk whatever financial situation we are in so that we can address the problem right away. The best way to solve this issue starts with talking and being honest.
Good job!
I’m glad I came across this post now. My partner and I just started to work more “jointly” on our finances. Before that, we were completely separate. Fingers crossed, we’ll see how we do 🙂
Good luck!