Hello! Enjoy today's post by my friend Natalie.
Jim Rohn, a motivational speaker and businessman, famously said that “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” This statement, while not scientific, is widely accepted and acknowledged as true.
What This Means
What this means is that your environment (specifically the people in it) has a huge impact on who you become.
You are a chameleon and peer pressure has an impact on you. And it is not just you — we are all like this. We all become like the people with whom we associate.
You pick up on little things that people do (without even realizing it) and it shapes and changes how you do things and who you become. You are influenced greatly by the people in your inner circle. Whether you are growing and moving toward your goals and living the life you want to live may be a direct result of who you are hanging around.
This means that you need to be intentional with whom you choose to associate if you care about who you become in the future.
Why It Matters
You have the power to control who you become. Not only internally through personal development, but by choosing with whom you associate.
If you associate with people who are smarter than you, wealthier than you, kinder than you, and who are more successful than you, you will become like these people. Conversely, if your inner circle consists of negative, sarcastic people who are irresponsible and lazy, that is what your future holds for you.
You will grow to become like your inner circle in ways you couldn’t through reading books or attending seminars. The power of our environment is so great that you can influence your whole life by taking control of who is in your inner circle.
If you want to become rich, start hanging out with rich people. If you want to be nicer, get nicer friends. If you want to be successful, befriend other successful people. Whatever you want your future to look like, get around people who are already doing it. It’s the easiest and most effective way to shape and change your future.
How to End Some Relationships and Add Others
Intentionally surrounding yourself with people you want to be like means that you are going to have to take control of your current relationships by ending some and starting others.
For example, you may have a friend who you became friends with because she lived near you growing up. But now that you are being intentional with your relationships, you realize she is actually a financial disaster and makes bad personal choices. Being so close to her is not supporting the values you believe in and are striving toward. In fact, after you think about it, you realize she is bringing you down. In this case, you would not want to strengthen your relationship with this friend. It may mean directly confronting this friend and ending the relationship, or it may just mean that you spend less time with her and gradually distance yourself from her.
The point here is to be intentional with your relationships. Think about the people you let into your inner circle and whether you want to be like them, because that is where you are headed.
It is important to make tough choices with respect to your inner circle. While it may tough to think about relationships this way, it is extremely beneficial to be mindful of the relationships you are engaging in. Choosing your relationships carefully and intentionally is one of the best things you can do for yourself because you then begin to live life with people who you want to be like, who support you, and who have common values as you.
While ending some relationships may seem hard, you may be thinking that it is even harder to form new ones.
If you have someone in mind who fits what you want in a new friend / colleague, invite her to lunch. After that, keep in touch and put effort into developing the relationship until it becomes stronger. If you cannot think of anyone who really fits what you are looking for in your inner circle, be open to new relationships in social settings as well as at work. Also, look for online sites where you can join groups that have similar values as you (meetup.com is a popular site, for example). Although it may seem like a challenge, ultimately, there are always ways to make new, meaningful connections even if you are starting from scratch.
Why This Isn’t Being Too Harsh
You may be thinking that choosing to end relationships based on people’s personal choices or values is judgmental or wrong. This could not be further from the truth.
In order to grow and become who you want to become, you have to end certain relationships and start new ones. It is just part of life. Because your friends have a huge impact on you, it is absolutely necessary that you choose with whom you associate because they will impact your future. You are going to become the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time. It is a disservice to yourself to be unintentional with your relationships.
Not everyone is meant for everyone. If you were in a romantic relationship with someone, you would not stay in it if you determined that your values conflicted with his. You would not think you were being judgmental either. And this is how you should view your inner circle — as people you are intentionally keeping in your life; people who you admire, respect, love, and want to be like.
Of course, I am not suggesting you dump your poor friends for rich ones!
Nor am I suggesting you leave friends who are struggling.
And do not go on a search for “perfect” friends.
That is not what I am saying. What I am suggesting is that you think about the roles your friends have in your life, especially the people in your inner circle, and either intentionally keep them there or move on to better, more supportive relationships that are in line with your values and what you want for your future. There is a big difference between the friend who is struggling but trying to move in a positive, supportive direction and the friend who continuously makes really bad, unsupportive decisions with no intention of changing. You know the difference; use your judgment.
Look At Yourself, Too
It will be a lot easier to connect with people you want to be like if you start the process from within.
If you are bad with money but you really want to be financially well off, start reading personal finance blogs and books to get started on your own. Although you grow fastest from surrounding yourself with like-minded people, there is nothing stopping you from starting the process slowly.
As you grow and change into the person you want to become, similar people will want to be around you. People with similar values are attracted to each other. Be the person that the person you want to be like wants to be like (a line I took from the brilliant speaker and pastor, Andy Stanley). Think of the saying “birds of a feather flock together”.
What This Can Do For Your Future
Finally, when you are thinking about your inner circle, think about your future relationships. By intentionally choosing and fostering relationships that you personally value, you will move in the direction you want your life to go. You will choose a life of purpose and direction as opposed to a life of reacting.
The opportunities and growth that you discover through supportive relationships that you intentionally choose will give back tenfold. No doubt, you will change the course of your life by surrounding yourself with people who you intentionally chose to be there.
Natalie Bacon is the blogger behind Financegirl, where she writes about finance and intentional living for young, professional women. Natalie is an attorney by day and a blogger by night. When she’s not reading all things personal finance, you can find her Follow Natalie on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Google+, and Instagram.
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Love this and totally understand. Personal finance is very much ” my ” thing. No one in my immediate life is into it but i immersed myself into an online community that does. This has helped redefine entire parts of who i am, so thanks 🙂
The online community has also been huge for me in terms of personal finance. I cannot imagine blogging without it!
This is a great point. I agree that there’s a lot of power in surrounding yourself with positive, energetic people. As I’ve made more friends who are also interested in personal finance and planning for early retirement, I’ve realized how much I gain from our interactions. In addition to just enjoying their company, I learn a ton from them. It’s awesome to combine socializing with learning and expanding my own beliefs and ideas. I’m grateful for friends who bring different perspectives and who challenge me. It’s so rewarding!
It is really amazing what happens when you do gain new relationships with people who have similar values as you. I think it’s better than you ever could have expected. I really enjoying establishing new relationships, but I’m very intentional with who they are with.
I really believe this, and it can be scary considering I spend most of my time with a 3, 5, & 6 year old!
Hahhahah! Thanks for the good laugh 🙂
Great article! So true how being intentional is key. I can imagine that this is even more important for children when they are so impressionable. Amazing how after one evening of hanging out with other kids, they pick up their mannerisms (and bad habits!).
Yes, that’s right. So our parents were right when they thought hanging around the wrong crowds would lead to peer pressure. It’s true and it’s still true as adults!
Very interesting idea Natalie. I’ve never actually heard it before but I think it makes pretty good sense. Just last night I had dinner with a close friend I’ve known since grade school. I tend to embrace the minimalist and frugal lifestyle. She definitely has not. Over the course of dinner we talked about her new car, her Michael Kors bag and a new flat screen TV she just purchased. I suspect that she thinks I’m poor because I don’t buy a lot of stuff. I would rather take that money and go on a trip, save for retirement and pay off my student loans : )
That’s a great story, Liz. I, too, have similar stories since beginning my frugal / budgeting journey a couple years ago. I think the more intentional I am with my life, the more I realize who is a good fit in my inner circle and who isn’t.
There is an important element of truth in this point, especially as we look at those we may closely associate with. It is so important to build relationships with people who stimulate us to become more productive rather that the other way around. I was reminded of the old saying about how it is hard to learn to fly like an eagle when you live with a bunch of turkeys!
At the same time, it is worth considering the fact that we can often choose to react in different ways to those around us. For example, while many people grow up with alcoholic parents and follow their model, others respond by going in just the opposite direction. For those of us who have realized how important money management is, this is an important realization. Sadly, too many of us find little support among our friends (which we can change) or family members (which we often cannot).
This is such a great point, James. I think the key is to have your own values and beliefs so that you know what is best for you (and can act accordingly). This is especially true in the case of a tough family life. Thankfully, there are a lot of resources today (groups etc.) compared to 50 years ago to help with that when friends aren’t enough.
I’ve also found that people that don’t fit into my current set of values fade away naturally. When you spend time with someone that is so different from you, it can be a struggle to find anything to talk about. After just a couple awkward encounters, you both choose to seek each other out less and your relationship molds into something else. Like people gravitate towards each other. I agree with being intentional about your inner circle, it just doesn’t have to be hard or overwhelming!
I think that’s true, too. Made easier if you’re bringing people into your circle who are more in line with your values. The harder part is if you’ve known them for years or from your childhood but now they don’t fit in. It’s still worth being intentional about though, even if it’s hard.
I really enjoyed this post. This is something I’ve been forced to do since being cheated on. In the end, it was the greatest blessing I could have imagined. I’m currently being a lot more intentional with who I choose to associate because I know who I hang out with influences who I am.
Thanks for sharing that, Izy. I think sometimes the most painful things in life turn out to be the most pivotal in our lives. It sounds like being intentional with your circle is definitely working. And I’m glad!
For the last couple years my inner circle has been getting smaller. I agree 100% that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time with. These days I only want to associate with people who are motivated and trying to make power moves.
My circle is smaller, too! That said, while it’s filled with fewer relationships, they are absolutely more meaningful.
This just makes too much sense! I can totally see the benefit of surrounding yourself with people that you strive to be like. I’m also realizing I tend to naturally gravitate towards those people and do not harbor negative thoughts towards them. It is quite the opposite for people who are negative and ‘talkers’. I will strive to be a positive force and one of those people that others gravitate to. I can do this;0)
Yes – exactly. You attract what you are. If you are really positive, you are going to attract positive people. But if you are negative and you want to be around positive people, you have to work on becoming positive yourself. Like attracts like.
Hi Natalie,
This is very powerful indeed. I wholeheartedly agree with you. I have found in my life that the people I hang around and spend most of my time with, I end up with the same kind of mindset and in some cases mannerisms. The key for me now is to hang around people that have all the qualities I aspire to have.
I like your point about being intentional with your relationships. Sometimes it may be difficult to end relationships but I have found that it is necessary is some cases, and especially so if those relationships are toxic to your well being and growth as a person.
We also have to look in the mirror and be willing to make changes ourselves. Not only will this help us but it will attract the same types of people into our lives which will motivate and encourage us to stay on the right path.
Thank you for such a powerful post.
Indeed! So I would surround myself with successful people and good role models. I’d officially start next year. Still thinking who these people are… What I know is that they’re just around there. Law of attraction!
Whilst it may sound a little cold and calculating (because a lot of us have the idea that friendships should be some kind of organic process like falling in love, so “you don’t choose your friends, your friends choose you”), it makes perfect sense to surround yourself with people whose values you share or whose lifestyle you aspire to — of course you choose!
Thanks for the post.
Curious to know if you include your husband as one of the five and what is he up to now?
Merry Christmas!
Hi Natalie,
I agree with the gist of the article.
Our friends and the people around us affect our lives, but I also believe that we are masters of ourselves and our destiny.
I love meeting new people and expanding my circles.
There is always something to learn from each others.
Thanks for the interesting post.
All the best for 2015! 🙂
Very good post. I truly agree with the point you covered in this post.
The influence of company is very strong. Lately I noticed I am in influence of a circle which is not benefiting me in any way. Regularly spending time with this circle also hurts me at times emotionally.
I read a similar post today by Richard Branson on his blog:
Choose great people and shine in their shadows:
I totally agree with you. Say we feel lost, and stumble upon successful income reports of bloggers like yours. Something gives psycological support and I feel like proceeding further with my journey saying My day is not yet over
I agree with this, to a point. I wonder, however, how far this can be taken.
If you are new to a group, you may be the weakest link. Why would they bring you in?
“Whether you are growing and moving toward your goals and living the life you want to live may be a direct result of who you are hanging around.”
Can I just say I love this and it needs to be shared! I had to do an audit of my associations and make some adjustments. So far, no regrets!