Recently, a friend asked me what I thought about prenups. She isn’t married yet, but she was wondering if it was “right” or “wrong” to bring it up to her fiancé.
She thinks that he won’t take it the correct way, but she wants to protect herself in case anything were to happen.
Does this mean she doesn’t believe in their relationship? I don’t think so at all!
These days, with all of the statistics you hear about divorce and the crazy stories you hear about exes taking them for everything that they have, it may make sense for some couples.
What is a prenup?
A prenuptial agreement (“prenup” for short) is what a couple signs to lay out and figure out their assets and finances. This contract is usually made before the couple gets married (however, it can be created afterwards) to protect themselves in case the marriage ends badly.
A prenup will help you in cases where:
- You have a lot of assets and your spouse does not. Maybe you have a family property that would be horrible if you were to lose it?
- You make more money than your spouse.
- You have a business.
- You win the lottery.
- You know you will be receiving an inheritance.
- If you plan on having children and you want to stay at home. This then protects the stay-at-home parent who has been out of work for years.
- You have been divorced before and you want to protect yourself.
I have also heard of couples putting a cheating clause into their prenup. I’m not sure if this is true but I heard gossip that Jessica Biel has one of these contracts where if Justin Timberlake cheats then she will get around $500,000.
Other celebrities have put drug clauses where if the person relapses then the other will receive $1,000,000 for each year that the person was drug free.
It’s not romantic.
One of the main reasons why couples say that they do not want a prenup is because they consider it extremely unromantic and almost like you are saying that your marriage is doomed from the very beginning.
I don’t believe that is the case. I think each relationship is different, and prenups work for some, whereas they may not work for others. I do not think there is a right or wrong answer for all.
Here is what some of you had to say about the subject.
What about us? Before anyone gets snarky about what I’m about to say, I want to say that I don’t care 🙂 What we did works for us, but I do realize that it does not work for many, many others. We do not have a prenup, mainly because we started everything together when we were very young (when we had absolutely nothing), bought a house together when we were 20 (yes, 20!) and already have combined finances.
Always discuss finances.
No matter what you decide to do, I always think that you should discuss finances with your significant other until there is absolutely nothing left to talk about.
I have seen so many relationships where finances are not discussed anywhere the amount that they should be, and this is just scary to me. I know people where:
- They don’t know how much their monthly mortgage payment is. This person couldn’t even make a guess.
- They don’t know how much they spend each month. They leave everything up to the other and don’t even ask.
- They don’t know how much debt they have. Do you know if you even have debt? The other day I heard someone say (I can’t remember who said this, I think it was on Twitter?) that one person in a marriage thought they had $500,000 in debt, whereas the other thought it was $1,000,000. WHAT? How do you not know? That’s a big difference!
- They don’t know their income. Come on people, if you have joint finances, you need to have a realistic idea of how much you are bringing in.
- They don’t know how much they put on credit cards each month. These people are in debt and they don’t even know it!
- They lie to their significant other about things that they buy. I specifically know of someone who tells their significant other that a hobby that they have only costs a few hundred dollars every few months. This hobby is actually a few thousand, and this person uses extra money that they make to hide how much it actually costs.
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Do you have a prenup? Why or why not?
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her every cent counts says
This is a tough one! The logical side of my brain says – duh – of COURSE get a prenup. But then the romantical side says — if you’re going to get a prenup why bother getting married? I think if you’re going to get married then two people really owe it to each other to commit and not have an easy way out. My aunt who is going through an awful divorce says it’s ridiculous for anyone to get married without one. I’m still not sure. I’ve jokingly brought it up with my s/o but I don’t know I could go through with it. Also, the reality is that even though right now I make more money, in the long run his inheritance could make him worth more! Maybe I’d be shooting myself in the financial foot with a prenup anyway.
Michelle S. says
Yes, it’s a very difficult decision. I hope your aunt is doing okay 🙁
eemusings says
Haha, you and I think along the same lines!
Like Michelle and Wes, we started out with not a huge disparity in what we brought to the relationship, and also we are both pretty fair minded anyway.
Michelle S. says
Are prenups normal where you live? I’m wondering if there is a difference with different countries 🙂
Tina says
Another key consideration should be whether an individual envisions making much more money than their spouse in the future. A divorce could entail the division of whatever you each earned during the marriage, so I think it’s a mistake when people just say, “Neither of us has a lot of money.”
Michelle S. says
Yes, you are right. Do you have a prenup? Or will you be having one?
Newlyweds on a Budget says
I’m not sure that fair-ness would still be justified in a pre-nup if one person significantly outearns the other, especially if the other partner stays home. I know when Mel Gibson got divorced a lot was made about the amount of money his wife got and how she didn’t even work. Well you know what? She put up with him and raised THEIR children and helped run his household and support HIS career. THAT is a job too. So what he earned was because he had HER help too.
Michelle S. says
I agree! And this is why I put in the post that a prenup may be important if you are a stay-at-home parent.
Mrs. Pop @ Planting Our Pennies says
We didn’t do a prenup. For us, our assets were split pretty evenly between the two of us when we got married, and we knew we were building things together, so it didn’t really seem like a good plan for us.
Michelle S. says
Same here 🙂
Petrish says
I believe a prenup should be determined by how much assets a couple has. I also believe that only assets earned during the marriage should be split if the couple gets a divorce.
Michelle S. says
Do you have a prenup?
DC @ Young Adult Money says
I think a prenup makes sense is one of you has a lot of assets and especially if a lot of your net worth is tied to equity in a small business. Needless to say, we didn’t find it necessary.
Michelle S. says
We don’t find it necessary for our situation as well. In the above case, my friend doesn’t have a whole lot of assets, but she does have some. He has none though, and he has debt. What do you think in that case?
DC @ Young Adult Money says
That’s tough. Probably depends on the particular situation. I still think it only *really* matters when business ownership will get mixed up and/or you have a very high level of assets i.e. you have $1M and they have $10,000. The disparity would justify it, I think.
Michelle S. says
I agree with you DC. She doesn’t have enough to where it really matters (or at least that is what I think).
Holly@ClubThrifty says
We had about zero dollars when we got married so we definitely didn’t do a prenup. I don’t plan on getting divorced so I’m not worried about it at all. I would consider getting one if I were wealthy and getting remarried later in life.
Michelle S. says
I don’t plan on getting divorced either, so I agree – it’s hard to think about a prenup when you don’t want to think about a divorce.
Alicia @ Financial Diffraction says
I think prenups are a good idea, depending on the situation. People seem to be getting married later in life when they’ve had a chance to (hopefully) establish themselves, and therefore would have more assets built up.
I think it also depends on how the two people envision your relationship going. For example, if both people are fairly career-centred, what do you do when you then decide one stays home with the kids? And if that is longer than maternity leave, how do you account for the fact that someone’s earning potential and career got side-tracked? If you’re out of the working world for 5 years to raise children, going back in will be difficult, especially if you lost some of your momentum climbing the corporate ladder. (I just want to say I am not bashing people that choose to have children, I’m just explaining another dynamic where people need to potentially cover themselves should a divorce happen).
Michelle S. says
Yes, I definitely think that someone who decides to stay at home with the children should think about a way to be covered. So many stay-at-home parents do not think about this.
John S @ Frugal Rules says
It is definitely a tough question and one where there isn’t really an easy answer for everyone. I came in to our marriage with debt and my wife had just graduated from college the year prior so she had very little and it just didn’t make sense for us.
Michelle S. says
Yes, there is really no easy answer. It seems like most of the commenters so far are on a similar page. I am a little surprised by this because for some reason I thought the PF world would make fun of me for not getting a prenup haha
Michelle S. says
Thank you 🙂
I agree with what you are saying about “making a lot more than your spouse.” To me, if you are making an income, you are making it together.
The Warrior says
We didn’t have a prenup. My wife will inherit more than I ever will so that would have been the only reason that she might have.
I am all for a prenup if one person is bringing large assets to the marriage.
I have wavered on whether prenups should be signed since I was I first learned what they were when I was a kid. I have gone back and forth, but now married, I’m glad we didn’t sign one.
The Warrior
NetWorthWarrior.com
Michelle S. says
That is good to hear that you are glad that you didn’t sign one. 🙂
Pauline says
I think a prenup is wise if you have kids or plan on having them with a stay at home mother, to make sure she is covered and so are the future kids. Otherwise if both have similar assets I don’t really see the point.
Michelle S. says
Yes, the stay-at-home parent definitely needs to be covered as well.
Brianne says
Maybe you can help explain how having a pre-nup will protect a stay-at-home spouse in the event of a divorce a little more. I guess it varies by state, but in mine any assets obtained during the time of marriage are split equally, regardless of whether one person earned it all or not.
Michelle S. says
Hey Brianne!
There are many ways that a prenup can help a stay-at-home parent. I found some really good articles about this, and I will probably make a full post on it soon especially since multiple people have asked me about it now 🙂
http://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/12/03/why-stay-at-home-moms-should-demand-postnuptial-agreements.html
http://www.today.com/moms/why-moms-should-get-postnup-quitting-their-jobs-stay-home-2D11763106
The comments on this article are worth a read – http://voices.washingtonpost.com/onbalance/2006/06/postnups_for_stayathome_parent.html
Hayley @ A Disease Called Debt says
We don’t have a prenup but like you and your partner, we met when we were very young and had nothing to begin with. (We still don’t have much either!)
I know why prenups exist and the benefits of them but getting one just seems kind of untrusting to me. Saying that though if you have a lot to lose then it’s a security blanket I guess.
Michelle S. says
I agree, it can seem untrusting. However, does it make people naive thinking that their marriage may not end in divorce?
Hayley @ A Disease Called Debt says
Good point! 🙂
Debby says
Both my brothers got married with a prenup. I think it’s only fair – and it might not be the most romantic thing, but good agreements make good friends. I’ve seen horrible divorces happening when there’s no prenup, and I’ve seen smooth break ups when there’s nothing to argue about in the end.
I would definitely chose for a prenup should I get married.
Michelle S. says
Interesting to hear. I have also seen horrible divorces that make me cringe.
Connie says
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting a prenup if there are a lot of assets involved. A lot of people think you’re setting yourselves up for divorce if you do get one but it’s actually a smart thing to do for both parties involved.
I don’t have much so I don’t foresee me needing one when I get married.
Michelle S. says
I agree, I don’t think you’re setting up yourself for a divorce with one either.
Leigh says
I have definitely thought about getting a pre-nup. It all depends on the assets situation of the person I end up marrying and the difference in our assets. If I marry someone with very few assets and minimal chance for an inheritance for example, I may ask for a pre-nup. As someone who has built up a fair amount of assets pre-marriage, marriage seems pretty scary from a financial perspective!
Michelle S. says
Yes, it does seem like you have a lot of assets so a prenup may be wise for you.
Anne @ Unique Gifter says
We also didn’t have too much in the way of assets, and our situation was complicated by the combination of the law and how assets came into our relationship. Our lawyer told us it was very unlikely any agreement we made would be held up in the courts here, so we didn’t bother.
Michelle S. says
That is interesting to hear. A prenup can’t always hold up, and while I was researching this I came across a few divorce lawyers who said they are pointless in many countries and states.
Hallie says
My husband and I signed a prenup as he had a lot of family assets that he wanted to protect. Much of my friends were angry that he would even ask this of me as it’s a sign of “no trust” on his part towards me. There is a difference of trust and protection. Though we all hope that our marriages do not end in divorce some do. It’s better for everyone imvolved if there are already fine lines drawn in the sand at the beginning of your marriage. Our prenup also had my own stipulations. Prenups are not all “what is mine is mine” there are plenty of ways one can be written. Just always make sure that if one is documented that both opposing sides have good legal representation. You want to make sure that there is no small fine print. Again being on the side of caution has nothing to do with trust, it’s protect you and your spousa.
Michelle S. says
I agree Hallie, it’s just a way to protect yourself. Family assets are a major reason for why people get prenups, and I completely understand that.
E.M. says
I think it’s adorable that you and Wes have built such a solid foundation together, and started so young. It’s really scary how ignorant some people are about their finances. I probably wouldn’t get a prenup since neither of us have valuable assets.
Michelle S. says
Thank you! It worked very well for us, even though we are always told that we are crazy haha
Shannon @ Financially Blonde says
I actually advise people to get a prenup. I know it is not romantic, but it is best to determine your financial future while you are happy and in love then when you could potentially hate each other. It means that you will be fair and save yourselves money in legal expenses down the road.
Michelle S. says
Very true Shannon!
Stephanie@Mrs.Debtfighter says
Like you, hubby and I didn’t bring much financially to the relationship. We started dating when I was 17 and him 19, married at 22 and 24. Everything we have, we have built together! So no, we do not have a prenup. 🙂
Michelle S. says
We sound so similar Stephanie!
Jason B says
I’m not married yet. When I decide to jump the broom, I doubt I will get a pre nup though.
Michelle S. says
What if she wants a prenup?
Jason B says
Honestly I’m not sure Michelle. Hopefully we would be able to come to a decision.
Michelle S. says
Yes, I’ve seen so many nasty divorces, and recently have witnessed one where they were together for over 50 years!
Michelle S. says
Thank you Blake!
KK @ Student Debt Survivor says
I’m not married, but if/when we do get married I don’t think I’d get a prenup. We don’t really have that much of an income disparity or asset disparity for a prenup to make sense. If either of us had a lot of income or a lot of assets I might think differently (to protect him if he had more money or to protect me if I did). I hate the idea of the prenup in theory, but in principle, they do make sense I guess.
Michelle S. says
I agree with you. In theory, they are definitely not romantic, but in principle it makes sense to protect yourself.
Dan @ Our Big Fat Wallet says
I have a coworker that got a prenup and it’s a good thing he did because the marriage only lasted a couple years and ended badly. Apparently it’s a lot smoother if it’s uncontested but this one wasn’t. Luckily the prenup protected the assets he had before the marriage , the biggest one being his business. Still a sad situation though
Michelle S. says
That is good that he had a prenup! You never know what may happen.
Michelle S. says
Thanks Nell! I agree, it is a good idea to talk about what is fair and what is not. Thanks for stopping by!
Skint in the City says
I don’t have a pre-nup but have nothing against them. More and more people now aren’t marrying – not sure what the equivalent to a pre-nup is for them. Eg Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel with the cheating clause you mention – at what point in a relationship does THAT get written in? So many permutations of relationship these days – whatever works for both individuals is fine with me. One of the most imp aspects, I think, is to have the same financial priorities and ways of dealing with income/savings etc.
Michelle S. says
I agree, whatever works for a couple is fine by me. A prenup may work for some and not for others.
Matt Becker says
I’ll be honest, we didn’t even talk about having a prenup. We both wanted to make everything joint so that there was no “mine” or “yours”, so a prenup seemed pretty pointless. I’m not saying it was the right decision necessarily, it just wasn’t something we cared about. I can definitely understand why others would though.
Michelle S. says
I’m with you on that, we wanted everything joint as well so that’s what we did.
Fig @ Figuring Money Out says
I didn;t get a prenup with my first marriage because neither of us had anything. (First marriage = weird since I’m in my 20s!) For my next marriage I will definitely consider it and probably get one because I’ll be older and have more assets and a business of my own. I’d like to protect that in case anything happens since life doesn’t go according to plan.
Michelle S. says
I think that’s a great idea to get one for your next 🙂
Michelle S. says
I know what you are saying Charlie! However, what is the person owned a valuable piece of family property (valuable in either dollar amounts, or family/historical significance) that if they were to get divorced it meant they would lose it?
Tonya@Budget and the Beach says
I think they are right for certain situations. If a man made tons more money than me, I really can’t say I blame him for wanting to protect his assets. But then again, I’ve taken care of myself all these years so I don’t depend on a man, and if the situation ever came up where he’d want me to stay home with the kids, well one hell of a discussion would have to happen. And vice versa if I made a lot more and has more assets.
Michelle S. says
Yes, I think certain situations call for a prenup. Thanks for stopping by Tonya! 🙂
Momager says
We didn’t have a prenup, but we also didn’t have anything when we first got together. If we would have waited until now to get married, we might have considered one, especially since I am a stay-at-home parent. Not sure though. It is hard to say what we would have done. I know it is a touchy subject for a lot of people, but I do believe prenups are perfect for some situations.
Michelle S. says
Thank you! I agree, for some situations, a prenup is needed.
The First Million is the Hardest says
We wont have a prenup & have never considered it except when joking around with each other. I think if I were in a relationship where one person had significantly more wealth or income then it would be the logical thing to do (I would have no problem signing one), but in most cases I don’t think its necessary.
Michelle S. says
I agree! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Heidi @ Thriftytricks says
I lol’d at the “drug free” celebrity clause 🙂 great article, got m thinking … I was sure I’d get a prenup if I ever get married, but tbh it really seems like you don’t trust your partner enough to get married in the first place.
Michelle S. says
Thank you Heidi!
jefferson says
I can see the value if one of the two parties has an absolute ton of coin in the bank BEFORE you met.. Lucky for me, I had nothing when I met my wife, so didn’t have to worry about it 🙂
Michelle S. says
Haha lucky you Jeff! 🙂
Fehmeen - Loans and Lifestyle Blog says
Although prenups aren’t common in this part of the world, and after divorce, assets aren’t divided right down the middle according to the legal system, so this isn’t something people worry about at all. But I do admit the whole idea of a prenup has been visiting my mind recently, thinking exactly what your friend is – how does one bring up the topic and not offend the other party? They could say it’s a requirement of their office place (like you mentioned) but are there any other ways to tackle the issue?
Michelle S. says
Do you know how they divide assets where you live? Interesting in hearing more.
Fehmeen - loans & lifestyle blog says
Well, there’s no specific guideline except if there’s a child involved, the father must pay for his expenses. That sounds like a safety net until you hear about the terrible law enforcement here. Basically if you wish to safeguard your future when faced with the likelyhood of divorce, try to keep your assets separate. It’s sad but that the way it is.
Stefanie @ The Broke and Beautiful Life says
It’s not romantic but it’s reality. I’ll be getting a prenup for sure.
Michelle S. says
I agree, it is reality!
Jack @ Enwealthen says
We have a prenup. Definitely. I recommend them for everyone getting married.
Just like you have car insurance but don’t plan on an accident, a prenup is marriage insurance. Something you have and hope you never need, but if you do, boy are you glad you got it…
Charley says
I want a prenup to protect him not me, I’m marrying the man of my dreams and don’t envisage ever splitting up so the prenup isn’t worth the paper it’s written on, that said if for whatever reason it didn’t work out then I should not be entitled to his life’s work! That’s just not fair, it’s also a boost for me to show how confident I am for my marrige, I’d sign anything because I’m confident or won’t come to that xx
cj says
We did decide on a prenup even though we already combined finances long before we got married (together since highschool) and we had no assets except for a shared savings account. The prenup is to protect me from the bad financial situation in his family. here you can be forced to pay for the upkeep of parents in law if they are in trouble/nursing homes etc. They have a lot of debt and refuse to do anything about it. With officially split assets can only take part of my husbands earnings and not touch other assets that are half mine (like our home etc.) Sometimes it is more about protecting you marriage from outsiders. If they need help we can keep more in our own hands and help on our own terms instead ofbeing forced to pay for a nursing home they can’t afford.
Elle says
I agree. If one of them has a lot of assets or a planned inheritance, then yes get a prenup. We never considered one because we do not have much. My husband does have more than twice the amount of savings that I do, but it’s still not enough to get a prenup. I don’t think talking about money should be an issue in a relationship, especially if you are married. We have been married for over 2 months and I am just getting to calculate all our assets and liabilities so we can tackle them asap. You need to be honest upfront or else you are going to be doomed financially.
Brendan says
From what I’ve heard, prenups are useless for men because the judge will throw it out if it doesn’t benefit the woman, such as if it says that she won’t get any alimony payment. There is no rule of law in family court and it’s whatever the judge says, and the judge almost always favors the woman. I’m not married yet, but the way I’m considering protecting myself is telling my wife that if she tries to use the state to rob me or put me or kidnap me, I’ll burn my house down and all of my possessions, so that way we’d both be screwed instead of just me.
Ben says
I’m not a lawyer, but from what I read a judge will void a prenup in situations where it’s deemed “unreasonable”. To be fair, leaving your former spouse with absolutely nothing isn’t exactly reasonable. In Oregon there is even a specific law that states prenups are invalid if it would reduce a party’s income to a scenario in which they would need state assistance. i.e. you legally can’t leave your spouse with nothing.