I’m one of those people who can’t talk about a parent who has passed. If you ask me anything about my dad, or even say anything about some fun event from the past, I will burst into tears.
And that is a fact. I have cried pretty much everywhere because of this. Since my dad worked at the airport, whenever I go to the airport I almost always have to run to the bathroom and cry.
It especially sucks when people come up to me and ask how he’s doing. Or they ask how I’m doing after he passed. Or if they were one of his nurses. Or if they were one of his friends and they think he just dropped off the planet and then I have to tell them the truth.
Now this will sound morbid and most likely make me sound like a really horrible and disgusting person, but sometimes I just don’t think want to think about it, so when someone says something about my dad, I will talk about him in the present tense, without even thinking about it. So then of course this just keeps on going and sometimes I just get so sad and some people still believe that he is alive.
My work is one of those people. The people at my work have asked me about my life and my dad always seems to be a topic. Maybe they know and they just want me to say it? I don’t know. It started one day with the topic of what my dad does and I didn’t want to hysterically cry in front of everyone at my work, so I just said he was retired from the airlines (which he was at the time that he passed). But now I just feel like it would be extremely weird if they found out the truth, so I just don’t say anything. Is that really crazy? It’s not like my dad is a daily topic though, we’ve maybe talked about him 10 times.
My friends say that I need to stop doing this though. Other people ask about my parents and one time the conversation got so weird that the person asked me if my dad “abandoned me or something”, and I just still couldn’t even mutter the words that he had passed. Does anyone understand what I’m saying? If there’s anyone else out there like me, please tell me so that I can stop feeling crazy.
My dad and I literally did everything together.
The last couple of months that he was alive, he literally came up to my work every single day, with his rolling breathing machine (which people actually made fun of him for that) and some lunch for me. And we had lunch everyday. I loved this time with him so much. I was a huge daddy’s girl and he meant everything everything everything to me.
He went shopping with me, made me huge dinners every night, tried to make my life seem normal even though my mother did everything to make it such, and he also made me the person who I am.
I have a friend whose mom passed at about the same time as my dad. She is the type of person who can talk about her mom for hours without crying, I wish I was like her. I can’t even be around her anymore because she talks about her mom so much and then she always asks about my dad every time we hang out. And every time I will start busting out crying, which is horrible because we are always at a restaurant or a bar when we hang out. Lately she’s been trying to stop, but it’s hard for her just because we cope in such different ways.
I’m not the type of person who can be having a lot of fun and all of a sudden just start talking about how it reminds me of my dad or of the good times. I really wish I could, but it’s just not possible.
I think some people think I should be over this by now, but I’m not. I know it’s been almost 4 years, but it seriously still feels like it was just yesterday. Just the other day I had a dream/nightmare and in that dream I had woken up from a bad dream. That bad dream was that my dad passed. Then when I actually woke up, I was super depressed.
I’m also one of those people where if I see a dad and daughter out together, I will get sad and will pretty much have to run away. And I get extremely sad/angry when I see daughters being rude to their dads. I also find it a hard time when my friends talk about their dads. Usually I just have to zone out or I get really upset.
There won’t be a father daughter dance at my wedding, he won’t see me get married, he didn’t see me graduate,and he won’t see me graduate from grad school. My future kids won’t have anyone on my side of the family to meet that actually mean something to me.
Also, have any of you ever seen The Last Song? It’s a Nicholas Sparks movie with Miley Cyrus. I know it’s probably pathetic to compare my life to this but I went to see that with one of my friends at the movies, and it’s basically a story of my life. My parents divorced, my dad lived far away and we only visited in the summer time (until I moved out in 9th grade and moved in with him because I was so miserable). My dad got cancer (and tried hiding it from me at first until I had to rush him to the hospital because it got so bad) and passed soon after. When I watched this movie, the similarities to my life were scary. I cried the whole movie and I remember when I told people that I saw this, they were shocked that I chose to see it (because they realized that there were MAJOR similarities to my life), but I didn’t know what the movie was exactly about until I saw it.
My way of coping through this whole thing has basically been to stay busy.
I’m sure some of you have added everything together and realize this now. Probably not the healthiest way to deal with my problem, but I feel like only time will help me heal. I have an extremely long list of everything that I regret that relates to my dad, but maybe that will be for another day if I’m ever ready to share that.
One thing I am happy for is how much W’s family means to me. When my dad passed, surprisingly the first person I went to cry to was his mom. And she was very helpful. She lost her dad just a short couple of months beforehand, so she knew everything that I was going through. W’s dad treats me like a daughter which is great too. So at least I have that! Without his family, I honestly don’t know where I would be.
Money. My dad was very careful with his money but he was not obsessive.
-
Save what you can.
-
Be frugal but not cheap.
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Don’t let money destroy your family.
Life. You should live in the moment.
Care about your family. I enjoyed that he wanted to shield me from things so that I wouldn’t constantly worry. I think that’s how parents should be.
- Traveling. Travel, travel, travel. If it wasn’t for him and the fact that he worked at the airlines, it would make traveling much more difficult. But it is nice to know that I will have free airline tickets for pretty much forever. Hopefully I will be able to travel everywhere that he went.
- Don’t live with regret. This is something that I am definitely still working on. My dad was very strict but carefree at the same time. He never tried to let things bring him down. However, I do live with regret and there are so many things that I wish I would have done differently in the days leading up to when he passed. I’m trying to get over it, but it’s still hard.
What lessons did you learn from your parents?
Also, leave a comment or e-mail, I would love to talk to people who know exactly what I’ve been through or can relate. Sorry for the extremely long post by the way.
Also, I should say that I am doing good. I don’t want anyone worried about me or anything. I am a happy person and I do love life. I have great friends, a great bf, and the family that I do have I cherish. And I do cherish the moments that I did have with my dad.
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Ginny says
I lost my father when I was in high school and although I can say that he passed away I have a very hard time talking about how he and why he died. Four years is not that long ago and everyone deals with death in their own way. I think with time you'll have an easier time talking about him.
Lesley @ my lively m says
Aww, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Have you ever been to counseling? I know a lot of people think it's a waste of time and money, but it's very beneficial. It would definitely help with your grieving process.I can't even imagine what you're going through, as I feel the same about my dad as you do yours.If you ever need to talk, let me know (: Take care of yourself.
Shannon @ Bungalow96 says
I'm so sorry for your loss. My grandpa passed last year and anytime I hear about St. Patrick's Day (his name was Patrick Henry and was born on St. Patrick's Day) I break down. We were very close, but he wasn't my dad. I can't imagine what you've been through, but just know that I think you are a very strong person.
Amanda says
My heart goes out to you, Michelle. I hope that this will only be the toughest thing you have to go through in your life. I guess the only thing I can say is be greatful for the one parent that really made you who are are and the person you could look up to. Keep that with you always. Some people deal with death differently. I'm like you. I had a couple of friends die and for the longest time I couldn't even talk about them without crying. Don't feel like you're weak or anything. It's just how you deal with your feelings.
Bre says
So incredible that you decided to share your story! I know how you feel and I was right there with you about the same time. I will always be here for you to talk to, I know that talking about things can be hard but sometimes its what will help you heal the most. Please feel free to email me and we can talk! I know It's hard but things will start to get better, you will be strong again! 🙂
SP says
Thank you so much for sharing this tough part of your life with you. I'm so sorry for your loss, and can't imagine what losing a parent will be like. Hang in there, ok?
Amira says
Don't put unneccessary pressure or time lines on your grief, and don't let anybody make you feel like "it's been long enough, get over it." You take as long as you need, grief is a tricky process. Thanks for sharing so personal with us 🙂
Lekker Leven Met Min says
My parents are still alive, so I can't imagine what it must feel like to lose either one of them, but my parents did go through a pretty nasty divorce, and since just thinking about it can make me cry, I often pretend that they're not divorced. Or not really pretend, but I just don't mention it and don't correct people if they assume they're still together. Some might think it is stupid, but I just find it a bit easier to cope with it that way.
J and A says
What a strong person you are for this post. So sorry for your loss of someone that sounds like such a great man and huge part of your life. Hugs.
Sharon says
I'm so sorry for your loss, Michelle. I'm praying that you will be able to remember your Dad with happiness, not sadness, sooner rather than later. I'm SO glad you have your BFs family. It's important to have loving people in your life. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you lots of prayers and {{hugs}}.
P!nky says
WOW! just wow! thank you for being brave enough to share this with us. I am so sorry for your loss and can't imagine your heart ache. Your father sounds like a truly amazing individual and I know he is smiling down on you know. Remember the good and know he's looking out for you. thoughts and prayers with you today…xoxo
Valerie Griffin says
sounds like your father was a wonderful man. praying for you!
Northern Living Allo says
Thank you for sharing with us. You are who you are and you have no reason to apologize for feeling the way you do. As Amira said, there's no timeline on grief. It lasts as long as it lasts and you need to allow that – and others need to respect that. I lost my dad 31 years ago and it STILL hurts, particularly around Father's Day. You, however, are a very brave woman for being able to grieve so deeply and to share this with us. Moving forward in your healing and acceptance will come when you are able to start telling people about his death. In the meantime, is there a hospice or something like that where you are? They are devoted to helping people through the grief of losing a loved one in a safe environment. That might be a way to start. You've helped confirm my need to go. Thank you. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Remember, your dad is right there with you.
{[Jessica.]} says
this is so touching. & being a total daddy's girl I can relate. My BIGGEST fear is losing my dad because I know my whole world would fall apart & i find myself crying alot because of that. I dont think you are alone in any way & you are correct we all cope in different ways. Keep doing what you are doing & pray that you get that strength you want to talk about your dad without crying!! I have faith you will find it soon. thank you for sharing something so personal & touchingxoxoJessica
Niki says
My father is my best friend too. I had a very similar situation as far as mothers go and I had lived with my dad since I was 5. I would be a total wreck is he had passed away when I was the age you were. Not that I can even imagine what that was like for you.I definitely think you should take as long as you need to to grieve. It's a personal process. I would suggest speaking to someone about grief counseling. You sound like you want to be able to think about your father without crying and you should. He sounds like a wonderful man and remembering him in his life rather than his death is a point you will hopefully come to.
MemeGRL says
I can totally relate–different circumstances, same pain. My dad died when I was 23. When I was 25, I went to work at the school where he'd been in graduate school. I met, in passing, one of his professors and when I introduced myself as my dad's daughter, the professor's eyes lit up and he said, "Oh, I'm SO glad to meet you! Please stop by my office sometime and tell me about you and how your dad is doing. Your dad is just terrific!" And I never went. It made me so happy that somewhere, in someone's heart, my dad was still alive, still the amazing person I knew. And it was important to me that somewhere in the world, someone thought of my dad without that cloud of sadness overtop of the thoughts. Keep doing what you need to to move through it. I was closer to my mom and she died almost 10 years ago now, and I am still in a fog about that sometimes. Your image at the top of the post really hit me where I live. It took me years not to feel cheated that my mom wasn't here to do (fill in the blank) with me. I still do, sometimes, but I am trying hard to shake that off. It's very difficult to lose either parent young. You are not crazy. Do what you need to. Thanks for sharing this post today.
Alyx says
I think that's so great that you were able to get this all out and post it – I'm sure that wasn't easy. And take your time – we all grieve in different ways!
McVal says
I'm so sorry you lost your dad and that you're having some trouble with it. It's very brave of you to post about it.
Pamela says
Thank you so much for sharing this! You are so brave & strong. That is wonderful that your boyfriend's family has taken you in, as their own!! Sounds like you have wonderful people surrounding you to help you out. That is great that you & your dad had such a great relationship!
Kris @ Simple Island says
Michelle, I'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm so glad you had a great relationship with your dad. Not everyone gets that. Also it's amazing that you have a great relationship with your bf's parents – you have a great support network around you. xoxo!
The Single Saver says
Thank you for sharing this! We all have that one or two special people in our lives that really change our lives for the better. It is such a loss when they are gone. I can understand your grief. Don't let anyone tell you to 'get over it.' They don't know. It's not their life.
youngprofessionalfin says
My dad passed away a little more than a year now and I'm still dealing with it. I'm like you – I was always crying whenever anyone would mention/ask me about him. When I saw dads and their kids, I would start crying. I went shopping last year before Father's Day and I had to walk out of the store because of all the Father's Day signs.Just the other day, I managed to talk to my manager about my dad without crying. I came really close but I managed not to cry and I was so proud of myself. Of course, once I left and got in my car, I started crying but I think that's okay.People deal with loss in different ways. It sounds like you're dealing with it which is good – even if sometimes you deny it. I think that's okay because it just makes it easier. My boyfriend's dad passed away almost 18 years ago now and I asked him if it ever gets better. He told me it doesn't – you never get over it but you learn to deal with it. I think I'm going to spend the rest of my life learning how to deal with it. You sound like you had an amazing relationship with your father – and no one can take that away from you. People who haven't experienced this kind of loss don't understand. I didn't understand before but now I do (and I wish I didn't). You're not alone – if you ever want to talk, you can always contact me.
Michelle says
It's okay to still cry and it's ok to miss him like crazy. Everyone grieves differently. One day you'll be able to smile when you think about him and the pain won't be as bad.
Ruthie Hart says
Hey girl I can't say I know what you're going through but I want to let you know I am praying for you. Loss is hard and it scares me to death to think about losing my loved ones but the Lord has plans that will one day make sense. My husbands father died on the day of our planned first date and I never got to meet him. My husband wasn't as close to him as an adult because he wasnt the best father growing up but I love seeing my late father in law in my husband. My husband LOVES cars and marine life bc of his dad and I always ask him to tell me stories about those great times with his dad. You will be in my thoughts!
Anonymously, Mine says
My sister passed away very recently, and while I'm ok with (and find it comforting) talking about her, it's the questions that kill me. I hate when people I don't really know, ask how I'm handling it. I feel like that's kind of personal question. Obviously I'm not good. And obviously I'm not comfortable talking to you about it. I have four sisters and often get asked questions about how many siblings I have, or how old they are. I still haven't figured out how to answer those without dropping a depressing bomb on the conversation. With that being said, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you are grieving. I've spent a lot of time talking to my mom about it, and we've pretty much come to the conclusion that as long as you don't pick up an unhealthy lifestyle, and you DO deal with it, then to each his own. Everyone is different and needs to do what helps them cope.You can read a post I recently wrote about my sisters death here: http://mineanonymously.blogspot.com/2012/02/she-i…
Christa says
My step-dad, who I considered Dad, passed away when I was 25. Most people expected me to be strong (I was "only the step-daughter," you know), but I was a blubbering mess at the funeral. I know how hard it is to lose a parent, so don't feel crazy at all! Everyone grieves differently. One thing that might help is to try and talk about him (and the good times) with a friend or family member who will allow you to take your time and cry. Being able to kind of "practice" verbalizing your memories or the fact that he's passed makes it easier to say the next time. It's never easy, but it can be tolerable with time.
Kristin says
Im sorry girl! Not easy! I lost my mom when I was 15 and it still feels like yesterday. Just gotta keep trucking even though its so not fair
Ugly Debty says
I have no words of advice, but send you a hug X
Annemarie @ Brunch a says
What a beautiful post- thank you for sharing. I know how much courage it takes to talk about a parent who has passed. My Mom died when I was 21 and almost 5 yrs later I still don't feel totally comfortable talking about her. This was a wonderful tribute to your Dad and I know he is proud of you! xo
Nicole says
Amazing post! I am sorry for your lost. I really can't offer any advice because you are so strong!! I learned everything from my parents. I am wishing you the best hun. Hang in there. Thinking of you.
Kimberley says
I'm sorry for your loss, you should take as much time to mourn as you feel comfortable with. Everyone handles the death of a loved and cherished one differently and you are no exception. Don't worry about what your friends say, nobody "gets over" a death in the family. It will never be okay that he's gone, but it will get better over time.
Married...with a Pup says
O wow, my heart goes out to you!! I can definitely sympathize with you. I'm hoping that at some point we are able to smile about our loss in remembrance instead of crying in sorrow. Hoping you find your peace!
Aloysa @ My Broken C says
This is such a great post. Memories are the most precious thing that we have. Especially when someone we love is gone. You will move on eventually. But it will take some time. Just let yourself grief and remember your father and what a wonderful man he was. My heart goes out to you! I wish I could say something that would take your pain away. I wish I could give you a hug.
Kraig @ Young, Cheap says
I'm 27 and I lost my dad almost 11 years ago, when I was a junior in high school, to cancer. I wrote a post on my blog about the financial lessons I learned from him at />I could never write all that my dad taught me in a comment like this but I can certainly name some big things. He taught me to be caring, to be honest, to be smart with money, to save up and pay cash for what you buy, to sit and stand up straight and act like a respectable person. He taught me that I'm not better than anyone else and that no one is less important than me. He taught me that a man takes care of his family, first. Dad took care of his us. He cared about us all, too. He taught me that a real dad gets involved in his children's lives. He was always present in whatever I was involved in. He was coaching my team at my 4H softball games, he was in the audience at my choir concerts, he was taking me and my friends to Sunday school and teaching there as well. He was always there for my family. I'm very grateful for the time I had with him and will always love him as much as I did the day he died.I know it's hard losing a loved parent. He'll always be with you though. He's part of who you are and lives on inside of you.
Maldivian Finance Bl says
I am so sorry for your loss and I must say it is really very brave of you to share such a devastating story. Amazing post I must say.I am sure your Dad would be very proud of you.
bogofdebt says
I lost my mother a few years ago and it is still rough to this day. I tend to also still talk about her in the present tense because I'm not thinking about it. ("something my mom and I enjoy" kind of things) She also died of cancer and she died on December 8th which always makes the holidays that much harder for me. Something that I will remember for always was when I was sitting up with her a month before she passed and asking her if she regretted anything. I know her life could have been different if she hadn't decided to go out with my dad and I wondered if she regretted that–it would have been easier for her. She looked at me and said "I've made no regrets. How can I regret anything that brought me my children?" She then told me about how she decided a long time ago that she wouldn't regret anything–she would learn from any mistakes but she wouldn't be the person she was if she changed anything in the past.
Michelle P says
Thanks everyone. I greatly appreciate your comments
Rafiki says
I can't relate to it but I can understand what you are going through and I don't think anything is wrong with it. You are still living a full life, you just haven't brought closure to this part as yet.Handle it how you see fit, if blogging about it helps then continue to do so.I'm sorry you had to go through such a terrible lost.
Sunshine77 says
Michelle, I am just seeing this post now and my heart goes out to you. It sounds as if your dad loved you beyond limits, and vice versa. I'm linking to a post I made last month…. and hoping it will provide you hope for healing. Much love to you. -Melissa http://snowfallinjune.blogspot.com/2012/01/world-…
Savvy Scot says
Thank you for sharing this – I am so sorry for your loss. Some very profound learnings, which make a lot of sense. Just think that every time you go on a flight to a new country your Dad will be there with you 🙂
CeCe @Frugalista Mar says
Hey, I just got around to reading this one and my heart aches for you! I have no idea what it's like to lose a parent but I can only imagine the grief. Your dad sounds like such a special man. I do think it's a good idea if at some point you can tell those who may thing he is still alive the truth. I think it just helps with accepting it (as if I know but that is my opinion). I also think that however long it takes for you to grieve is however long it does. You will never truly get over it. It must be hard that it is still so upsetting but I think everyone is different when it comes to how long it takes to get to a certain point. Best wishes.
jessica lynn says
oh honey. i lost my dad in 2008 in a freak sailing accident – just 1 month before i turned 24 and 3 months before my wedding. so all of those things that you posted about him not being at your wedding and seeing your kids when you have them – I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! I cry at the most random sights/memories/etc. I still cannot talk about the accident, him, how i am doing, etc. Not to my husband not to my mom, not to anyone. I just cant. The only thing that I find comfort in & the only thing that keeps me from asking "why" every single day is that EVERYONE fights a battle at some point in their life (cancer, abuse, failure, divorce, a disability, etc) and the death of my father when I was 23 just happens to be mine. Does that make sense? I am so thankful for the 23 years that I spent with him and it sounds like you have some fantastic memories of your Dad as well. Cling to those. Sending you a giant hug. You are so brave to blog about this!
Lisa says
I love this post! I am dealing with two sick and aging parents currently, and as for dysfunctional parental units they are at the top of the list. Sometimes I just sit back and watch the show. But, I will do my best to honor them and take care of them.
smanukonda says
Found your blog through a comment you left at nomoreharvarddebt.comI found this post highly relateable as my dad passed away suddenly when I was in high school from a heart attack. I remember sitting in the hospital moments after he passed just looking at his body thinking the same thoughts as you like he's not going to see me graduate high school or be at my wedding. I actually started bawling right after I returned to my seat after walking the stage. I also remember thinking that it should have been me since I was just a 17 senior in high school no one was depending on me for my income, etc. Don't be upset that you "aren't over it." First that day will never come. I know this because it will be 12 years for me this September and I think about him everyday. Also the way you have described your relationship with your father makes me envious that I didn't have a close relationship with my father so it will be hard/impossible for you to get over it and maybe that's okay.
Michelle P says
Thanks so much for your comment. I greatly appreciate it. I don't think I'll ever be over it. I wish more people understood!
Ashley says
I found this post after you had mentioned about father's day in your most recent post. My dad passed away suddenly when I was 16, I'm 25 now. Reading some of the stuff you wrote sounds so similar to myself. I cry really easily too and I've had the same kind of thing with coworkers where a story might involve my dad, but I don't mention that he's not alive and then I feel weird that I didn't mention it and hope that it doesn't come up. A few times people had asked where he lived or what he did and then I would say he had passed away, which is about all I can get out without instantly crying and I would usually change the subject. I know that it's something we never get over and reading your post and some of the comments helps me feel a little more normal too.
Michelle says
Glad to know that I'm not alone in the things I do. Do you have an e-mail or blog?
Ashley says
Nope I don't have a blog right now. Didn't realize I wasn't signed in, my name will link to my email. (accidentaly posted it twice, deleted the one below!)
Ashley says
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shoeaholicnomore says
What a great but sad post. I haven’t lost my dad, so can’t relate to that, but I do have lots of issues with my mom. Maybe I’ll post about them sometime. Seeing some of your family issues come out on your blog have been very helpful to me. Thanks for sharing your stories.