I’ve been struggling with something for quite some time. Every single week, I make a goal to finally call some of my family members. And yet I still have not done this. I really would like to call my aunt and my grandfather (both on my dad’s side), but it would be hard.
You’d think it would be as easy as picking up my cell phone and calling them, but it’s really not. I know that I will pretty much want to dedicate a whole day to it, and I’m just not feeling ready yet.
When you don’t talk to people for so long, I’m just afraid that they will think something is wrong, or that I’m behaving like my mom and that I “need” something. I’m also afraid that they’ll start talking about my dad and then I’ll lose it.
When my dad passed away almost 5 years ago, it was hard on everyone. I even made a long depressing post all about it and it was nice to write about it and get my feelings all out. My dad was definitely the one who brought everyone together in my family so when he passed away, it was devastating for everyone.
I know that he passed away 5 years ago, and most people say that I should be over it by now. Most people no longer sympathize and some don’t understand why I want to reconnect with my family. I am of course still upset with everything that has happened.
And how could I not still be upset? He was my rock, he was my everything. He was my dad.
My aunt came to the funeral, but it was heartbreaking seeing her. I have talked to her once since then and it was on the phone. It was very hard talking to her and we spent most of the time on the phone crying. That was around 2 years ago.
I really want to call her again and really form a relationship with his side of my family. She did send me an email recently congratulating me on my engagement and said my dad would’ve been happy. If this means anything, my mom didn’t even say she was happy about the engagement!
My grandfather couldn’t make it to the funeral. He lives far away (Miami) and was unable to come because he was too sick to make it and his doctor didn’t allowed to travel such a long distance. He was very upset though, I remember my dad and him talking for hours EVERY SINGLE DAY. When we told him that my dad had passed away, he was devastated. I’m positive that everyone died a little that day.
I haven’t talked to my grandfather since the day my dad passed. I also haven’t seen him since I was very little. I probably wasn’t even in elementary school when I saw him last. Even though my dad and him were very close, he did not get along with my mom (for obvious reasons) and he never came to visit.
EDIT: 5-16-2013 I had to delete everything that was here because I am no longer anonymous and people I know read my blog. Sorry guys.
Some people tell me that I just need to get over all of this and reconnect with her, but how I could I? Everything is so deeply in my mind, that whenever I see or talk to her, I lose it. I cannot control my anger around her. Would you be able to?
Why I want to reconnect
Since I don’t talk to my mom anymore, I have definitely been feeling lonely. Yes, I have my sister but talking to my dad’s two favorite people in the world (other than me and my sister of course ) would definitely be meaningful to me.
I want them to be a part of my wedding. And if my grandfather is healthier now, I would like him to walk me down the aisle. I would love to be able to call them up and tell them about how life is going, and to also hear about theirs.
I have also been feeling jealous. All of my friends always talk about all of these family activities that they are always doing, and then I just sit there, jealous, the whole time. No family events, no unexpected visitors, no family dinners, no holidays, nothing. It definitely makes me sad when I can’t chime in with a similar story.
So there’s my sob story. Definitely need a drink (probably tons of drinks) now.